Whats up gentlemen, im just now returning back to the states from my week long sabbatical in Gaza. learned about the Islamic religion and shit and saw some missiles, like real ones not fucking birds.
Now you guys are probably reading this wondering why the fuck im talking about muslims and shit but dont worry I dont practice that shit. I just went out there to see my guy al-shafir al-safadi for the first time in like 6 months. If anybody reading this lives in Istanbul you may want to vacate the premises soon.
Basically Ive been scouring the lacrosse world for some absolute stallions who love roaming campus and munching box at obscure hours of the day.
Honorable Mentions:
Rutgers Men’s Lacrosse
Donnery Bros/Mason Oak - QPAC
Nicco “The Freako” Jacimovic - Lafayette
Any guy that grew up on a rez in the country
Canisius Men’s Lacrosse
Kees van Wees - Michigan
Nick Lucchesi - Villanova
UTampa Lacrosse
Every D3 legend except for Nescac schools
10. Jake Piseno - UAlbany Graduate Swiss Army Knife
I hate to say it because everybody has been glazing this guy, rightfully so of course, but this piseno kid is different. Best player on the field anytime he touches it unless knobber is out there. Not only is he multitooled on the field but this guy has some of the best tongue game in the nation. Watch this guys film kids.
9. Peter Roegge - Holly Cross Senior D
Any econ major with a dad named Bradford that elected to go to public school over private school made that decision solely because he wanted to muck greasy box. Hes transitioned his high school game to the streets of boston and has been muckin greasy 30 year old milf box the past month. This guys an animal and if he doesnt drop a tape soon on the hub ill be upset.
8. Owen “Buffalo Badger” Tacheny - Canisius Freshman FOGO
This canisius roster has about 10 guys that couldve made this list alone but gotta divvy out the respect to the entire country. This Tacheny kid out of minnesota is different you can just tell. He was an afterthought in high school because all the hockey guys got the prime box so he made a name for himself ripping sixes all around the state. Now upstate in Buffalo this guy is running a cartel of box munching. Pretty sick stuff. If youre ever trying to cross the border to the communist country north of us take a pit stop at canisius and look for this fella.
7. Kai “the guy” Talley - Hampton University Sophomore A/M
Now you guys can call me retarded you can call me a joke you can whatever you want about me, but this guy is the reason why I refuse to bet against hampton. Im all for betting against HBCU’s especially when i know they are gonna get dicked down by everyone they play but this guy right here is special. Heard hes spent 8 hours a day munching african american box at hampton so the rest of us don;t have to. An american hero and somebody that needs to be celebrated. Probably should be in the top 3 but there are some electric players below.
6. Dillon Troggler - Penn State Freshman D
Not many people know this guy because he hasn’t gotten any on field burn as a freshman but holy fuck can he wheel and deal. Rumor out of the Penn State camp is that this guy brings about 18 chicks home a night and the fellas on the team call each an every one a “troggler hornswoggler”. This guy is the pimp running the sorority scene at penn state and will be a legend forever there.
5. Ziggy Iannessa - Bellarmine Sophomore M/FO
Plain and simple look this kid up and you can tell hes a freak. No need to explain what this man has done in the bedroom. Take a peak imagine the worst thing you can think of in terms of this guy eating box and then multiple it by newtons laws or some shit and thatll explain how much of a menace this guy is.
4. Joey Schwarz - NJIT R-Jr Goalie
Schwarzy is a different type of animal during Ramadan boys. Its simple science here. This guys put on 25 pounds from straight box protein because he mucking the most nutrient rich boxes in the state for a minimum of 4 hours a day. New jersey is loaded full of sick box and this guy only chooses the best of the best. Rumor has it if you buy snow off him you can get one of his girls for 10 seconds and those 10 seconds are the best 10 seconds of your life. #stallion
3. Garrett “Beaver Teeth” Taylor - Binghamton Sophomore Goalie
You take one look at good ole beaver teeth and assume hes either gonna be a virgin his whole life or hes an absolute stud. Well this guy is a certified degenerate box muncher and honestly may be a future number 1 player on this list when hes a senior. The way his tongue protrudes between his teeth is a sight to be seen. Fucking nailgun here boys.
2. Jackson Schlicker - UMass Lowell Freshman M
I have no clue whats going on with Oregon producing mutants for human beings but im all for it. Its probably all the crack the people do out there but holy fuck are these men beauties. Jackson Schlicker is probably gonna be at the top of these charts for a long time because hes 6’3 he doesnt give a fuck about a single women he talks to excpet for his mom and hes lethal anytime hes within 100 yards of any box. The liberal media ran by terrance foy better make this kid an AA or al-shafir al-safadi’s plans for Istanbul will be for outside lacrosse.
1. Shane “Knobber” Knobloch - Rutgers Senior A/M
The stuff this man is capable on and off the field needs to be studied in wuhan. Holy fuck this kid is the best to ever do it. Knobber will walk on the field score three low to high runners for fun and then walk off the field to hundreds of bitches with their tits out asking for signatures. Its unbelievable what hes capable of doing ot a women. Heard last week knobber was walking down college ave and traffic stopped just to admire the king kong wrench jutting out of his pants. Knobber has been eating strictly box for about 20+ years now and its probably the reason why hes always an AA.
Guys who eat Zero Box:
Dan Arestia
Paul Rabil
Patrick Hackler
Matt Brandau
Manhatten Lacrosse
The Refs last night
Joe Biden