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Ford's Nescac Ranking for recruits

It’s been one amazing summer, the 4th of July, Trump schooling Biden in the debate, and my second biological son, Frederick Aloysius Blumpkinton was born on July 4th at 3:45 PM.  This looks like the end of #BidensAmerica and some other big moves have been happening as well.  In July, the second most important day after the 4th to your average rising senior stallion is the 1st.  The 1st is when nescacs make their offers.

If you’re a 2025 who's a D1 caliber player and wanted to go to Dartmouth but it didn’t work out, odds are you are probably deciding which Nescac is the fit for you.  Well, I’m here to help.  A nescac man myself, I went to Midd back in the day, and had a hell of a time.  There were excellent birds, lots of booze, I hit the slopes almost every day (not talking about their snow bowl) and probably consumed more substances single handedly then what gets consumed in the duration of Ultra at Miami.  Unfortunately, the ‘Cac took a turn for the worse, and is now being labeled as the #LibCac by nailguns who competed in the ODAC.  It’s embarrassing, but up to you (the Youth) to #MakeTheNescacGreatAgain

  1. Trinity

Trinity is the best Nescac to commit to.  Academically it might not shine like a diamond, but let's be honest, grades and prestige don’t get you a job, connections do.  My son's teammate’s older brother applied for a summer internship at Stroker and Co, and I gave him the job.  Guys a complete tool, parties his ass off at TCU but I had him over my house on the cape, and he’s fucking family at this point. Trinity has birds that could easily get bids at a top southern sorority, and the team is about as rowdy as Stratton Oakmont in 1991.  This program builds fucking men.  Pussies entered as freshman and graduated as weapons.  Their stock is rising fast, and if you commit there, you’ll be on a team with forklifts (who def got connections), wheeling insane birds, and in the best conference in D3 lacrosse.  There is no downside to being at this school.

2. Midd

If you want to spend the majority of your time hitting the slopes (literally and figuratively) this is the school for you.  A great lacrosse team, not as good as it once was but it appears to be back on the ascent.  The birds are decent, but the real appeal comes from the ability to do drugs in the woods of Vermont and be completely sheltered from all the BS that fucks with the rest of America.  The connections here are also elite.  The boys here aren’t the same level of power tools that they were a few decades back, but it can and is being rebuilt.  Coach Campbell was a nail gun back in the day at Midd, I think he can definitely bring this program back to its former glory because he lived it.  Their freshman classes are becoming more and more studly year by year.  So if you’re worthy, commit to Midd and ball out.

3. Hamilton

For a place in the middle of nowhere, they have some insane birds.  Also someone OD’d on heroin a few years back, so you know that they are really getting after it on College hill.  The birds, and the drugs should be motivation enough, but it is a solid school with good connections.  The guys are some studs here as well, and this team can pull off electric wins, like they did against #LGBTufts in OT in the nescac tournament.  These guys are on the cusp of getting a bid to the show.

4. Bowdoin

When it comes to the lacrosse part, I think Bowdoin is insane.  Off the field, the boys know how to get after it and make the best with what they have.  It is definitely snowing in Brunswick Maine, but ultimately, most birds at Bowdoin are pretty chopped and you’ll need some (a lot) booze and a cialis if you wanna bed the average bowdoin woman.  If you commit to Bowdoin, you will have to resort to Tinder, and talk to women at UNE, SMCC, or just live for your breaks so you can wheel the birds from back home.  The boys are all weapons on this team, it is a matter of time until these guys win the natty, the connections to top tier IB firms are great, but if you wanna be slaying poon nonstop this isn’t the best place.  

5. Wesleyan

The women are decent and this program is stacked bottom to top with nail guns.  Good academics, great lacrosse, and is close enough to Long Island sound, you can booze at the beach on the weekends.  

6. Amherst

Solid location, the boys are beasts here.  When you think of the Nescac, Amherst is probably one of the first schools that pops into your head.  They recruit some absolute power drills out of DC and NJ, and its proximity to UMass Amherst means that you might have a chance of partying all night at TKE and wheeling some tri delta even though you go to a small school yourself.  Really, there aren’t many downsides to this program.  Unless you are a sweat who cares more about winning the nescac tournament than wheeling and dealing, this will be an amazing school. Lacrosse is very competitive and although they haven’t struck gold in a while, it doesn’t seem to matter because these guys fill up first every year.

7. Williams

These guys are a great group.  Menace’s top to bottom.  In the middle of nowhere and with a core crew from New Jersey, these guys can definitely get after it.  Unfortunately, the women at Williams are CHOPPED.  These guys live for a break, and if you commit here, good thing there are a lot of nail guns from NJ, who have houses on the Jersey shore.  So the good news is, you’re in luck if you aren’t part of their Jersey crew.  The purple cows however know how to get after it and can party much better than most.  If you have standards, you’ll be slaying poon in the summers or winter break and that’s it.  If not, then go crazy with the soft sixes.

8. Bates

The bitches here are hotter than they are at Bowdoin but if you wanna actually play lacrosse on a decently skilled team and have a shot of making it to the nescac tourney, this is not the place.  But if you wanna booze and wheel mid birds that look hot because you’re in bumfuck maine, this is the place.  There are solid connections here as well, so you can definitely get on Wall Street if you go to any of these top 8 colleges.  However, chances of your season going past mid April are essentially nonexistent.

9. Colby

Not much to say.  Terrible quality lacrosse, but women's hockey is definitely an upside if you commit here.  There are plenty of pawgs, but the location isn’t fire and there aren’t a huge amount of stallions on this team. Being stuck in Maine isn’t the best, but at least the women here aren’t totally chopped.  However, their lacrosse is the laughing stock of the nescac, and the academics are more rigorous and even worse, there aren’t the same level of connections you’d get at a place like Bowdoin or Trinity.  Just like Bates, these guys haven’t seen their season go past mid April in forever, and that won’t change anytime soon.

10. Conn College

This place is better than most schools, but definitely not the best nescac. At least it isn’t as bad as Tufts.  The women here are relatively not the best, and the party scene isn’t great because it’s super close to Yale.  Fuck Yale.  If you fire up tinder, you’d either see Yale birds on their rowing team who will peg you, or mid chicks from Conn who probably have herpes.  A total lose-lose.  And if you’re at your hometown bar and you’re trying to wheel by saying you play lax at Conn, it probably will go in one ear and out the other.  Conn isn’t known for it's solid parties, and the waterfront is a polluted river so if you thought it was like a Nescac Fairfield, it's not.  The same rules that apply to Bates and Colby of the team not making it past April also apply here.

11. Tufts

High quality lacrosse but the coach is a liberal sissy, and the women in Boston are butt ugly.  I wouldn’t want Ford VII playing for Casey D’annolfo, and I sure as hell wouldn’t want him to be stuck only fucking women from Boston.  I don’t give a fuck about the natty championship, I’d rather Ford VII just be gay if he asked me for permission to commit to Tufts. #LGBTufts  

Ultimately, I probably made some nescacs look not as good as they really are.  But this is just relative to other nescacs, not the rest of the D3 scene.  If possible, Nescacs, Centennials and ODAC’s are the best 3 options for your recruitment if you're going D3.  Hope this helped, I need to give Frederick his first tren cycle so he can mog the fuck out of the vegan raised pussies when he gets to pre school.

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