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Why you should play at Quinnipiac.


You’re 8 years old watching big sexy Matt Rambo rip ched on Brian Balkam in the natty and kyle bernlohr throwin his body around makin yuck bomb saves. You’re thinkin, wow I wanna be a terp someday!!! Well guess what you fuck, you’re fucking wrong. My buddy Jasper Winterhuntington played at a powerhouse and runs a small piece of shit dropshipping company nowadays. It’s because he didn’t choose the right school boys.


Nothing says “I’m the man” more than playing at a school like the pacc. They were originally founded by a Native American gypsie named Running River and have been a threat up north since. Do you want a shitty daily routine of class, praccy, bed, and tug one out alone like brandau? Or, do you want to rip jaeger bombs and do heroine with a 61% female school? In my eyes it’s simple, I have my answer and so should you. I’ve seen a few bobcat birds in my life and I was half chubbed every single time. 78% of alumni work at Goldman or Deloitte post grad and the other 22% make up the Weiss NYC law firm. I did cocaine with Coach Mason Poli after we sued some single mother for rear ending a Phillipino!!! That’s what success is gentlemen, it’s all about money. Taking on a challenge like playing for the pacc is the grit companies want, I for sure won’t be hiring anyone that doesn’t know what a bobcat is. Some of you may not know this, but Adam woodcock started Facebook. Zuckerberg gets all the credit or whatever, but woody, we know the truth. Guy gets more ass than a toilet seat. He’s missed 12 practices so far this season to slap his Econ professors knockers around. He benches 675 and his constant shaking isn’t blow related I swear, he’s just always excited. He’s also an unvaxxed patriot who has a large stake in Fox News.

As far as parties go on campus, if you’ve seen thadlands, it’s about as close as you can get. The Donnery brothers have a mojito hot tub in their basement and a set rotation for Women’s hockey birds lined up outside. There is also a sign that says “Inside Lacrosse is not welcome here” in the avocado oil jelqing room upstairs. If you’re wondering why your blow dealer can’t sell you anything right now, it’s 100% the pacc. If you blood tested these fellas, every single one would be considered immortal. I asked Hall of Fame goalie mason oak why kids should go to Quinnipiac and he said “I mean first and foremost just think Blue Mountain State but better… the Cats are a fucking gritty and dominant group of fellas on and off the field. One time I watched the Donnery brothers run a train on a Marist mom at halftime after pummeling her son too, what’s more exciting than that?? Our coaches rip more zyns than Tucker Carlzyn. On top of all that you’re guaranteed a job on Wall Street if you’re coming from the pack.” Mason oak built a 1700s pirating galley in his Shop 201 class three weeks ago and sold it to Ukraine for their current war. Lax players get to skip all bar lines and there are rumors that their field will get lights sometime in the near future. Also, these dudes are fucking undefeated, fluke loss doesn’t count. Solid group of bros, they all seem to get along well.

As far as fan bases go, these parents are fucking electric. Can’t write a pacc article without mentioning these pitbulls. Heard tellers mother beat the shit out of a mt st Mary’s fan for spilling his spitter on her foot. Oaks mom always provides the boys with post game millers and jersey mikes. Our most active twitter following stems from this beauty of a fanbase. DeLucia’s dad goes through 4 wintergreen 6 milly tins a day. The alumni are also feathered and lethal. I’ve heard their chirps have made multiple fat kids cry on opposing teams.


Long story short for those who are considering playing lacrosse in college. Make the right choice here. If you hate libs and love zyn and fent Fridays, this is the place for you. If you like dudes and have no friends, we’d recommend a place like Yale. Sick puck team as well, pissed they lost. To players I didn’t mention, you’re all fucking nailguns, you should all receive compensation from the government just for being alive. To the virgins reading this, enjoy Dartmouth. To the sledgehammers in high school considering, listen to after life by tchami, that's what you'll hear when you walk into the pacc lacrosse house.


Cheers kids,

Greg

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