Top 5 Incoming Nescac Recruits

Summers here, which means a lot of you are getting gaped with work at your private equity internships and the only things keeping you going are men’s league and the 7 from tinder who sends you nudes on demand.  But there are a few who aren’t ready for that yet.  They have one final summer of wheeling birds, touching bag, deep sea fishing, and fighting DUI charges.  These are the incoming freshmen, who are looking forward to what objectively will be the best four years of their lives before they go out into the corporate world, and the highlight of their day is eyefucking the absolute missile of an intern before they go home to their wife and kids.  For each major D3 conference, I will be listing the top 5 freshmen, not just those who will be menaces on the field, but more importantly, who will be the best off the field.  For this one, 3 of the top 5 are green wave products, and that’s no accident.  I don’t glaze Delby, but I’ll be damned if I wasn’t objective about the 5 biggest stallions heading into D3.  

#5 Kip Rand, Hamilton

Hamilton is famous for having the second best birds in the conference and for absolutely getting after it off the field.  For what they lack in lacrosse skill, they make up for in drug use.  I think they are actually criminally underrated in that category, and probably will be for a damn long time.  Kip Rand is just a chill guy is from Mendham, New jersey, and loves to wheel cougs at the tennis courts to prepare himself for the unbelievable amount of ketamine fueled oyster shucking session’s he will have in upstate New York.

#4 Ryan Landa, Bowdoin

Bringing chill West Coast vibes to Maine, this stallion will probably do more shrooms than anyone in the conference.  He’s got it all; chill, athletic ability, and as rumor has it; a massive rope.  On the field, he’s a hell of a dodger and his athleticism and ability to score will make the bleacher bunnies of Whitter wet for years to come.   

#3  Garrett Lian, Connecticut College

The camels fucking suck at lacrosse but they make do with what they have, and honestly that’s gritty as hell.  If you can still put together decent parties even when surrounded by Yale and Coast Guard academy, with your “waterfront” being the Ganges river of America, you deserve some kudos.  This beast out of DC is great with the birds, but he is such nails that he will definitely take one for the team if a 600 lb torta is in the way of you wheeling a blonde zeta at the pub.  His on field ability reflects who he is off the field, he’s sandpaper tough and super versatile on both O and D.

#2 Dutch Lohnes, Amherst

Just going by his name alone, you’d think he’s the president of some scummy frat in an 80’s comedy flick.  If you are wondering about his off the field abilities, I honestly think that’s all you need to know.  Does this guy wheel birds? Yes.  Will he haze the fuck out of the freshman after his first year on campus?  Also yes.  After each win the Mammoths get next season, you’ll see him laid up with a Umass kappa kappa gamma.  Dutch is also the real deal lacrosse wise, he can push transition, disrupt in the middle of the field, and lock opposing middies down.  It will be great to see this guy in college.

#1. Peter Falk, Trinity

Some people say I glaze Trinity too much.  Some of that may be true, but a lot of it is deserved.  The number one spot for incoming freshman goes to Peter “No pullout” Falk.  An absolute forklift out of Delbarton, he had Villanova tri-delts commenting on his commitment post last summer, and it’s only going up from there.  He will be a beast in the offices up in NYC, and enters functions with one bird at his hip, and leaves with 2.  He’s also nasty at lacrosse and will probably make a huge impact on offense from day 1.  He sees the field well and can absolutely sling the rock.  My colleague Ozzy ranked Trinity as arguably the best party school in D3, and rightly so.  It’s only fitting that Peter “No pullout” Falk ended up playing here.  But before he tears it up at JP Morgan and on the field, he’s got an entire summer mucking the boxes of all the fake blondes with even faker tits at the Jersey Shore.  

Other conferences are coming soon, stay tuned, and keep wheeling and dealing.

Cheers,

Ford