D3 Championship Preview

It’s that time of the year.  Birds chirping, schools out, and of course the most important event of the year, the D3 lacrosse natty championship.  I had high hopes for Bowdoin after they fraudulently lost to Tufts in overtime back in April (Chris Berry wasn’t in the crease despite what the fake news media said), and unfortunately after smoking Christopher Newport like a pack of Camel, they got absolutely wrecked.  Now, it’s up to Dickinson to put the nail in the coffin of #LGBTufts.  I honestly expected Salisbury to run a train on them, because of some ugly losses early in the season, but they impressed me for sure.

Dickinson is one of the grittiest teams in D3. I found out the reason they called Dickinson the red devils is because the guys on this team only muck box when it's that time of the month.  They’re definitely the underdog, but I think it’s safe to say everyone wants them to win.  Matt Thurston is one of the biggest stallions in D3, and easily the biggest stallion left in the tournament.  Landen Hyatt gets a rug burn from dragging his massive rope all over the turf.  Ethan Ackerman touches more bag than anyone in the centennial conference.  This team is on a tear, and I hope that Coach Webster keeps them dialed in and limits their boozing for the week.  Pregame muff is awesome, but that’s not what the Red Devils need right now.  If they can pull it off, it will make my memorial day weekend.

Tufts is here just like I thought they would be.  I feel like they are more likely to win, but I can’t count out Dickinson, and I really don’t want these guys to win either.  Tufts had an undefeated season, and easily has the best offense in all of D3.  Even without Jack Regnery, they still ate.  But most of these guys don’t even touch bag compared to other nescac schools, and Coach D’annolfo went from forklift in college to a guy who watches his wife get airtight if he behaves, but has to wait outside the room if he doesn’t.  I really don’t know what kind of witchcraft they pull at Tufts, but if fucking dudes brings them championships, then I guess fucking dudes brings them championships.  

If Dickinson wins, it will be lit like Stratton Oakmont in 1991.  There will be rock, blondes, booze, and mewtwo build latinas.  I can see this team going so hard, 90% of the roster ends up getting arrested that night.  Casey D’annolfo won’t even have the privilege of cum cleanup duty while Dave Webster and the rest of the Dickinson coaching staff run a train on his wife.  Ethan Ackerman will paint face with a lot lizard, and Landen Hyatt will get busy with the sisters of the Tuft’s players that happen to be absolute rockets.  Matt Thurston will get domed by a barely legal blonde in the handicapped stall of a local bar.  

If Tuft’s wins, the entire team will have more oil than a diddy party, and the entire team won’t be able to walk for weeks because of how much they took up the ass.  Their offense is stronger, but being the undefeated team, they definitely might underestimate the way Dickinson is playing.  

Charlie Baughan has been coming into his own recently and started the past few games.  He absolutely cooked against RIT, and I think that if he brings the same energy to Tuft’s and gets a few unassisted goals, that will open up looks to the rest of the offense and it could be case.  That would be the ideal scenario for everyone at this firm, and everyone who didn’t vote for Kamala Harris.  

Honestly, as long as this game doesn’t match the disappointment of last year's D1 championship, where it wasn’t even entertaining past the first quarter, I think it’ll be a great Sunday.

Cheers,

Ford