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Writer's pictureOswald Van Bismark

Who’s your lacrosse party spirit animal?



Matt Gaudet


The beauty from the north is the first nailgun to date to be shunned publicly by Pauly Rabs and his leftist regime. Walked in on this guy using his absolute wrench on these two blonde ZTA chicks at the Albany Club lacrosse house. He saw me tom peeping and made me get into the bed and Dutch ovened me with his shitty ass until I passed the fuck out #stinky. On a lacrosse note, this dude was as wet as they come. Buddy would proceed to rip possession shots, pick up the ball from x, drive topside, didn’t feel a slide coming, then went straight rack to rizzy bar cheese. Since being blackballed from the lacrosse world he has been forced back into a remote village in Cambodia left with only a warped Nike Ceo 2 on a gait ice to practice the beautiful game.



Chase Scanlan


A bit controversial but this guy belongs on this list, even though he was booed coming out of the womb. Type of dude to throw you through a brick wall for not getting him a Goose Club and then will have the Montevallo manager named Graciela wheels up chili dog style on the twin XL. When your drinking Goose Club all you taste is Goose until you got your head buried in some chick's biblical tits. One time I saw him rip his opioid mocktail mid-question-mark dodge, look off a naked Tucker Dordevic coming out of the box, and rip it stick side high asking the goalie, “How’s ya fucken burger kehd?”. This led to an intense 3 round match of tonsil hockey with the Deltas from the St. Rose postgame, where he had the babe hung above him for easy munching, held up only by the weight of two Warp minis.


Neil K. Scott & Timothy C. Brooks


The drug kingpins of the PA prep world find themselves chalked onto this list. These brotato chips,  before they started their drug empire, would bring #LaxSluts back to the Fords’ lockerroom and get them wheels up. The next morning, when the freshmen would walk in, they would instantly come down with a case of pink eye because of all the backshot wind filling the air. After police found their stash of 23 Gs of Nicaraguan Nose Candy, 7 AR-15s, and 3 liters of the DE turf complex lot lizard’s ass juice in their Haverford team-issued lacrosse bag, the boys had to turn to Northwestern Mutual’s sleaziest representative which was selected purely based on looks. 



Austin Staats


What once was a friendly box player has turned into a damn monster destroying everything in his way. The most recent incident was when he was seething over an offside call from ‘18 and he then went home and Ray Riced his chopped-ass wife #DustBunny. Munching Gaudet's finger off is reminiscent of of me back at the Alabama Huntsville women's lacrosse house circa ‘00. That weekend was back when I earned the nickname “leather tongue puncher”. I woke up soaked in pre cum with the absolute fridge of the women’s lacrosse team Balkan staring at my shwartz. Needless to say, brother Staats is on the same pathway as my former teammate on the Utah club lacrosse team who is now an MS-13 gang member patrolling the streets of a small Guatemalan village naked with just a neon Nike Vandal strung with a rocket pocket covering his twig and berries.

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