Hello everyone, my name is Oswald Van Bismark and I am a writer for the Upper Decky Lacrosse blog! I know we have a lot of new readers so I will introduce myself as best as possible. I graduated from Roanoke in 09, Maroon Nation stand up! I played goalie and was a 3rd team all american in 2011. I graduated and married my high school sweetheart, Skittles. I started out my professional career as a Ceramics teacher but felt that was not my destiny. I dabbled with finance a bit but got kicked out of the company for banging the CEO’s sister in law. On weekends you can find me out on the pickle ball court or catching up with my buddy and fellow writer Marcus Meadowcroft, crushing some Ronas. Sometimes me and my college roommates, Brick and Hugo will head over to the Valkyrie Club to watch the dancers put on a show. I am a thorough Snow Shoe expert so on occasion me and the Upper Decky Staff will take a trip out to Jackson Hole to tread on only the finest powder in the world! My pride and joy is my son, Jagger. He likes piano and talking and flirting with birds! I also LOVE eating my wife’s box every Thursday night! Let's get into the blog!
Pat Kavanaugh- Vodka Red Bull
Pkavv is a fucking stud. Bro will cheef the fuck out of the elfy, put up 10 genos and then fuck the shit out of the underrated red head at the local pub. He fucks with Vodka Red Bull’s mad heavy. Ever wonder why his cellys are so electric. It's because he drinks this drink before every game. Rumor has it Coach Corrigan pours up a shot and then fondles Pkavv’s balls before every game as well. It seems to be working so he might even throw in a BJ this weekend vs. Ohio State.
Evan Plunkett- Sam Adams Summer Ale
Evan is a true American Hero. The Army product is having a great year so far for the black knights. He crushes Sam Adams on weekends when the cadets are allowed to sneak out of the bunkers. I mean, what is more patriotic than a fucking soldier slugging down a drink named after one of our founding fathers? Nothing! A casual Saturday for Cousin Plunk consists of analy raping a Wagner or Holy Cross defender, doing 300 push ups post game and then having a sneaky link with the female cadet who is built like Ronda Rousey. A real stand up guy. Dabbles with “American Eagle” flavored Elf bars as well.
Matt Campbell- Bud Light Lime
This guy FUCKS! I would’ve had Matty Ice on my “Biggest Stallions” blog but I was kinda hungover when I wrote that. Sorry chief. Anyways Uncle Campbs is known for drinking like a fish and then wheeling broads. Bud Light Lime fits him perfectly because he’s a lot more interesting than regular Bud Light. He’s a renaissance man. Being around Uncle Matt is a true expedition of self discovery in a world of the unknown. I actually saw him out on Cape May this summer with a smokeshow blonde(true story I’m not even fucking lying lmao).Not sure if it was his girlfriend but good for bro. I also saw an elf bar fall out of his back pocket so you know I had to take that shit to blinker city. Anyways congrats to Matty for breaking the all time goals record at Nova. Hopefully you had the chance to enjoy a cold Bud Light Lime while Stelios tuggs you out in a WaWa gas station.
Cade Saustad- Sierra Nevada “Hazy Little Thing IPA”
Cousin Cade’s go to drink is a bit under the radar. If any of you have a 50 year old uncle like I do, who loves to mountain bike and listen to U2, odds are you know how special this drink is. The design on this can is second to none. The vibrant blue and yellow make any rough-and-tumbled IPA connoisseur cream his pants upon first glance. That’s why Cade loves this drink. He is an interesting man to say the least. He has been known to trip off of acid and then head over to the Charlottesville Airport and just watch the planes take off. When Lars asked him about this his response was, “Fuck off you hippie slut, I’m just tryna vibe and listen to Grateful Dead while I watch Xander Dickson play 2k on Spirit Airlines, plane take off wow, lit, shrooms, fortnite youuu.” Not really sure what he meant but at the same time I do. Sierra Nevada is a mysterious beer for an even more mysterious man.
Pup Buono- Heineken
The Italian Stallion. Pup has probably the coolest fucking name out of anyone in all of lacrosse. Feels like he should be in Goodfellas or The Godfather. He is on a Penn State team that is currently fucking rolling bro. Like idk if they were hungover against Villanova, but I don’t really give a fuck. The lions are rolling and it is mainly because Cousin Pup is smashing Heiny on the weekends. I don’t know too much about him but I bet you he fucks like a racehorse. I mean bro is a tank. Like I’d let him give my wife the Ol’ Buono Blast every Tuesday night if he wanted to. Shit, I’d even record it if it meant I could indulge on a Heineken. Rumor has it that Upper Decky Lax might be getting some staff members at the Penn State vs. Cornell game this weekend. I might just have to have my stepsister Carmella tickle Tambroni’s male genitalia so I can swap Pup’s gatorade bottle out with a Heiney and then maybe even spot Ben Spinelli with an elf bar or Fireball shooter.