Tommy Drago (Syracuse) - Heineken
The Italian Stallion. T.D. has one of the coolest fucking names out of anyone in all of lacrosse. Feels like he should be in Goodfellas or The Godfather with Pup Buono. They are the next Michael and Sonny Corleone. Tommy “Two Times” is on a Syracuse team that is off to a great start in 2024, with a huge win this past weekend against UVA. Like idk if they were hungover in the 4th quarter against UNC, but I don’t really give a fuck. The Cuse is rolling and it is mainly because Cousin Drag is smashing Heiny on the weekends… and drinking the beer too. I don’t know too much about him but I bet you he fucks like a racehorse. I mean bro is a tank. Like I’d let him give my wife the Ol’ Tommy Typhoon every Tuesday night if he wanted to. Shit, I’d even record it if it meant I could indulge in a Heineken with him. Rumor has it that Upper Decky Lax might be getting some staff members at a Cuse game in the near future. I might just have to have my stepsister Carmella tickle Gait’s male genitalia so I can swap Drag’s Gatorade bottle out with a Heineken and then maybe even spot Finn Thompson with an elf bar or Fireball shooter.
Will Barnes (Boston) - Coors Banquet
This guy FUCKS! I would’ve had Will “The Kid” on my “Biggest Stallions” blog but I was disturbingly hungover when I wrote that. Sorry chief. Anyways Uncle Barnesy is known for drinking like a fish and then wheeling broads. Coors Banquet fits him perfectly because he’s a lot more interesting than regular Coors. He’s a renaissance man. Being around Wet-Dream Willy is a true journey of self-discovery in a world of the unknown. I actually saw him out on Cape May this summer with a dangerous blonde. I also saw an elf bar fall out of his back pocket so you know I had to take that shit to blinker city. Anyways congrats to Will for his electric start to the season. I look forward to seeing you hang brain and surround yourself with some fatal redheads. Hopefully, you had the chance to enjoy a cold Coors Banquet with Luke Davis and James Lapina.
Evan Plunkett (Army) - Sam Adams Summer Ale
Evan is a true American Hero. The Army product is having another great year so far for the Black Knights. He crushes Sam Adams on weekends when the cadets are allowed to sneak out of the bunkers. I mean, what is more patriotic than a fucking soldier slugging down a drink named after one of our founding fathers? Nothing! A casual Saturday for Cousin Plunk consists of analy raping a Wagner or Holy Cross defender, doing 300 push-ups post-game and then having a sneaky link with the female cadet who is built like Ronda Rousey. A real stand-up guy. Dabbles with “American Eagle” flavored JUUL pods as well.
Jake Piseno (Albany) - Sierra Nevada “Hazy Little Thing IPA”
Cousin Jake’s go-to drink is a bit under the radar. If any of you have a 52-year-old uncle like I do, who loves to mountain bike and listen to U2, odds are you know how special this drink is. The design on this can is second to none. The vibrant blue and yellow make any rough-and-tumbled IPA connoisseur cream his pants upon first glance. That’s why Jake loves this drink. He is an interesting man, to say the least. He has been known to trip off of acid and then head over to the Albany Airport and just watch the planes take off. When Scott Marr asked him about this his response was, “Fuck off you hippie slut, I’m just tryna vibe and listen to Grateful Dead while I watch Lyle Thompson play 2k on Spirit Airlines, plane take off wow, lit, shrooms, Fortnite youuu.” Not really sure what he meant but at the same time I do. Sierra Nevada is a mysterious beer for an even more mysterious man.
Connor Shellenberger (UVA) - Corona
Oh glorious King Shelly, you are my king and will forever be in control of this majestic land. For those that don't know, Corona is Spanish for: Crown. That fits Shelly perfectly because he is the king of college lax. Bro is like gonna drop one hundred goals and then slam a 12er of Rona's and then go pump Schutzy’s third cousin on his mom’s side. He is the definition of Nelk. If Kyle hadn’t hired that clown Steiny, Shelly for sure would be sitting right next to Kyle, Salim, and Steve. According to the Charlottesville Times, Shelly's nickname is "Shelly Will Do It" because of how much of a sender he is. I once saw a video on Reddit of him snorkeling 2 Ronas, then chugging a bottle of Svedka, and then hitting a double blinker of the Apple Banana elf bar. Makes you wonder why he is so good.