top of page

Tufts scrapes by, Ford's first round picks

Holy fuck.  Reality is often disappointing.  I wanted to see Tufts not get a bid, but because of their “strength of schedule” they ended up scraping by on the foreskin of Casey D’annolfo’s uncut hammer. 

I definitely didn’t see last weekend coming.  I had a feeling Wesleyan was going to do really well in the tournament, but Midd running a train on Bowdoin was not expected at all.  On paper, Bowdoin should’ve won comfortably, but I guess there needed to be 2 upsets in this years tournament.  Hamilton; my deepest condolences.  Look on the bright side though, you and Trinity might not have that extended season but you do have the best birds in the ‘Cac.  You won’t be playing in the NCAA tournament but getting a blowie from a 9 while watching Ty Banks and Tj Malone have a sick matchup next weekend isn’t a bad alternative.  

If I’m right, good.  If I’m wrong, DM me on IG and I’ll send you my mistress's nudes.  They are actually pretty good.  The suns gonna be shining, the birds are gonna be chirping, and I’m gonna be watching NSN all weekend while my adopted Samoan son will be taking an unofficial visit to Auburn and hopefully fulfilling Project Tua.  As my colleague Greg said, there is no better time to get after it than May.

Picks: SLU vs Plymouth State The D3 tournament looks pretty stacked, Trinity and Ham may not have made it but Plymouth State did, and those nailguns are probably having a blast right now.  They have a big tilt against Saint Lawrence, and I fucking love Plymouth State, I really do, but it kills me to say that SLU wins by a good amount.  These guys haven’t really played anyone actually good, essentially just barely above Beloit tier opponents.  Brantford Winstonworth is a SLU product and a fucking beauty, he taught me how to properly execute a pump and dump scheme, but SLU has fallen far from 2010. these guys might just be on fraud watch with their loss to Amherst.  It’s one thing to beat Plymouth state, but it's another to go against Amherst and get fucked.  They tasted real lacrosse and couldn’t handle it, so their glory will be pretty short-lived when they play Wesleyan sunday.  

SLU 19-3 

Wesleyan vs Saint John Fisher:

Wesleyan should beat these guys by a decent margin.  DJ Dixon and Jack Raba will take turns assfucking the SJF milfs (they’re all rockets) and expect James Bailey to hit his white ball and erupt with at least 7 points on the weekend.  The bleachers might be soaked by every female dialed in to the Wesleyan offense.  However, they fumbled Midd, Trinity, and Stevens in the past.  Those 3 losses look ugly, but the boys are hungry now and don’t show signs of slowing down.

Dirty birds  15-10.

Bowdoin vs Grove City: 

The bowdoin Pbears had a tough weekend because they didn’t take Midd serious.  I trust this will be different.  Matt Ward is a stallion, Will Byrne is the best player in all of D3, Zack Goorno is the best Dmid in all of D3, and EB is the best FOGO.  If the fellas lock in, it should be a grossly lopsided game.  Losses to Babson and Endicott look pretty fucking bad though, especially for a team of this caliber.  

Bowdoin 20-9.

Salisbury’s opponent is unknown, but they will definitely get the scoreboard ran up on their ass.

Midd vs SUNY Geneseo

I don’t know much about SUNY Geneseo, but I know Midd is hungry as shit after losing to the Nescac championship to the dirty birds.  Midd should confidently win on their home field.  I heard Will Ford might sit this one out because he was caught mucking his econ professors box under the table while she was in a faculty meeting.  Great job Will!  On another note, the boys in blue have a test against Dickinson the day after.  Won’t be a complete blowout but should be a confident sweep.

Midd 15-7

Union vs Stevenson

This is a vintage matchup, both of these teams used to absolutely run D3.  Union still has some nail guns, and so does Stevenson.  Ryan Quinn is a certified forklift, big gritty pole from jersey, and his matchup with Peter Kipp should be pretty electric.  In Unions offensive 6, they have 4 guys who can really produce, and then the other 2 are still good but nothing to write home about.  I think Union would win this matchup, but it will be tough.  Neither team is what they were before however.

CNU vs Cabrini

Cabrini is a damn good team.  But holy shit if their first opponent is CNU, that might snuff out this Cinderella story.  CNU is a potent team, both teams lost badly to Salisbury, but Salisbury ran the score up a lot more on Cabrini then it did on CNU.  Lynchburg also beat them really soundly, but didn’t win against CNU.  I hope Cabrini pulls it off, I really do but it’s not gonna happen.  You guys had an amazing run though, so I gotta tip my cap there.  

CNU 16-9

Babson vs Denison

This is an easy call, Babson has been tested against damn good teams, Union, Bowdoin, Tufts, and walked away victorious more often than not.  Denison has played some other schools in bumfuck Ohio, but shat the bed against Gettysburg, Lynchburg, and York.  Denison has a lot of beauties, Luke Fisher touches more bag than every other D3 nailgun west of Virginia, but they don’t have the resume to beat Babson.

Babson 10-5

Endicott vs Swarthmore

This one is a toss up, Swat won against some really good teams, but lost to Amherst, whereas Endicott did really well against a stacked Bowdoin team.  I think that it boils down to the wire, and who wants it more, because both teams have had some test.  Swarthmore is arguably way more tested, given that they compete in the centennial conference which is the 2nd best in all of D3.  I think that this one will end in OT, and Endicott could end up winning, especially because these guys are hungry for some elite competition.  I predict Cam Fernandez will ball out for the gulls, and it will be a great watch.

Endicott 13-12 OT

There are some teams I missed.  You can cry about it, I need to return to The Reel Deal, where I can continue to splurge my bonus on hookers and blow before I get back to my family this weekend.


Ford Blumpkinton VI

485 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page