top of page

Top poles of the year so far.

Updated: Apr 11

  1. Aj Pilate, Army

If he played for duke, carcaterra would be giving this dude a double wrister 10 times a week. Pilates horn would look my wife’s tits after breastfeeding 3 children. This dude has been so damn consistent all year with his best performance against Spallina and cuse. Absolutely lock show that night, I popped a chub for the first time in 6 years and boked my wife’s motionless body, I need an escort asap. He will continue to be underrated until they win the natty. If you’re playing this guy, just expect the worst. His mouthguard is made of tree bark and his twig is made of scrap metal from old Sherman tanks. He runs his own driveway repairing company back home and has 3 horses, all huge. He sleeps on a sandbag he found in Normandy and uses Kevlar for TP. Love this guy. See you next Friday AJ.

2. Ajax Zapitello, Maryland

Not a big surprise here, guy is elite. Has been a monster all year with a big showdown against Shelly this weekend. Harder to rank these Maryland guys so high considering how good their defense always is. No shade to Ajax, they just have a solid system in tight. Ajax does not drink or do drugs he’s just a stand up guy who loves lacrosse and playing fortnite.

3. Ty Banks, Hoyas

This kid is legit. I watched him a few times while he was in prep school and me and Ozzy tried telling some girls down in Pensacola that was old highlights of us. Didn’t quite work for us but they were still impressed. Banksy is Canadas best product in years and I guess I’ll actually be watching gtown games now. Nothing this guy likes more than live bands and birds on a Tuesday. For the creator Banksy. Trudeau is a pussy banks, never forget that. His performance against PKav was yuck, give this kid All-American.

4. Ben Wayer, UVA

Biggest upgrade for uva since last year is getting this guy back. Spent last spring in Anatartica finding himself and training the calves in some deep snow. May have played club with this kid a long time ago, he’d score like 6 goals at LSM a game and then ignore me when I said great job out there. Pain (That’s a joke he’s a nice dude). Their defense as whole looks very solid, Kastner and Schroter were also solid choices here. Cormier is the only player I’ve seen who can consistently beat this guy 1 on 1. It’s big country though, you’re not stopping him.

5. Luke Carden, Drexel

They call this guy Nighthawk in downtown Philly. He's been a problem, except when they lose on purpose. He gets his elf bar and turkey meatball supply from his Persian teammate who remains nameless. His teammate seems to only have Garlic Red Pepper Hummus or Camel Hump flavored elf bars available but when you’re a descendant of Xerxes himself, it’s expected. I hear he’s a big fan of the show suits and calls himself Harvey specter in the mirror before games. He’s taken enough HGH to burn a hole in the CAA piss containers but an oil change a week keeps the libs away. Favorite hobbies include getting his feet rubbed by his good buddy, can’t say his name but it rhymes with dyke yet again, playing checkers, and long walks on the beach with his pet ferret. Go drags.

6. Jack posey, Penn St

Dude jack honestly please stop leaving me on red I just want to get coffee or something? I believe his injury from last year is nagging him a bit still but when fully healthy, he makes a case for top 3 shutdown guys in the sport. Once saw him shirtless at my local gym and immediately started shitting myself on the stairmaster. He was hitting chest flys and super setting with some jelqing sets, how do you expect me not to freak out. The Nits are back and so is Jack, hope to see them in the final four.

7. Billy Dwan AND Saam Olexo

These dudes may not be absolute shut down defenders, but they bring the fuckin juice. This sport is slowly becoming more and more pussy like with all these flags. These two simply do not care, they have a blatant disregard for their own safety. They just throw their bodies around like pieces of meat. It’s fucking electric. If you get a flag for a hit, consider yourself the fuckin man, these lib refs are a fuckin joke and the NCAA rule makers are fat nerds. This game needs physicality and these two are some of the only ones doing it. I tried to interview Billy one time and he punched me in the jaw when I said mango juul pods were overrated. THATS FUCKING GRIT. “Cocaine feeds the wolf gentleman” - Herb Brooks. Definitely some wintergreen tin a day type of guys.

Gay. Matt Brandau

Not a pole, not good, just wanted to emphasize my hatred towards this hot dog breathed fuck. Fucker has to get his hair dyed on Tuesdays so we don’t see all his mangy gray hair. Hasn’t touched a woman in years.



1,495 views1 comment

Recent Posts

See All

1 Comment

Brandau is the acting waffle for soggy waffle in the room

bottom of page