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Round 1 predictions with Greg.

Look fellas, who gives a fuck if I’m right or wrong just touch some bag and attempt to suck face with a Marist alum’s mother this weekend. Best time of the year to get after it. Was a sick regular season I expect nothing but the same. I’ll be watching in my Saratoga mansion with my wife and kids and hopefully our swinger friends Gilgamesh and Triceratops, my personal favorite couple to be around. If I get any of these predictions correct I’ll give patch loxley a free shirt and yell horrible things at maple leafs fans. Quinnipiac was snubbed.

Saturday Slate:

UVA vs St Joe’s

Winner: UVA

Look, a lot of people are picking this upset in the first game of the weekend but let’s be real here fellas, Shelly’s not letting that happen. If uva gets an early lead, expect them to maintain that distance throughout. St Joe’s is full of beauties and Nailguns, but they just don’t have the zap that the wahoos have. The ketamine commandos have had an electric season, but I think it ends here. Lars apparently has been having the team use VR headsets to further their skill sets. Interesting. Heard Cormier has been in the Cville hooters for 53 straight hours and counting following 4 straight losses. Hopefully pookie bear Truitt FaceTimes me during halftime.

Final score 16-12 hoos.

Duke vs Utah

Winner: Duke

I mean cmon. Utah represents the worst fucking conference in the history of the fucking sport. I could see duke winning by 20+. Then again… its duke so expect them to allow Utah to stick around all game just to stress the bum duke fans out. Should be a blowout, but expect duke to play shittier. Hope I’m wrong and it’s just a blowout and I can booze in peace. Danowski hates Mormons from what I’ve heard, interesting.

Final score 12-8 duke.

Denver vs Michigan

Winner: Denver

You guys might be surprised with my take here. If you’ve read my previous articles, you have seen my hatred for Denver. Maybe not total hatred considering how handsome and big sillstrop is, but I have said they’re frauds all season long. That being said, I like them in this matchup. This should be a fun game to watch especially if stathakis wears ankle socks so I can rub my feet while he runs around. This game also happens to be when i usually hit the slopes on Saturdays so expect a bunch of weird stories being posted and dms to Patrick Hackler about taking a grad year in Japan.

15-13 pios.

Maryland vs Princeton

Winner: Princeton

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Ivys were underrated this year. JK dweebs it’s a celebration at HQ! Sorry Cornell, you kinda deserved a spot but like only 1 Ivy team getting in makes my nipples hard. As far as this game goes, I hate betting against Tummy Sticks Tillman in May, but Princeton has looked unreal lately. Mackesy’s Johnson weighs 17 pounds from what I’ve been told. Watching kabiri makes me have to change pants 4 times per quarter. Maryland is a strange team, if they end up winning this one, I could see an upset over duke in the following week. But, Maryland likes to be disabled from time to time. Should be the game of the day and something to drink to. Time for Ajax to get dialed.

11-10 Tigers.

Sunday Slate:

Johns Hopkins vs Lehigh

Winner: Johns Hopkins

Army or BU deserved this spot, they would’ve been a bigger threat in the sweet sixteen and I’ll die on that hill. Expect Hopkins to both physically and mentally abuse Lehigh and you can sleep in Sunday morning. I will be doing all sorts of drugs Saturday night and will have no regrets missing this one. Nothing against Lehigh, but this shouldn’t be very exciting…


Lehigh listens to my advice and gets jacked up on some ecstasy and PCP and utilizes Native American offenses. The Cherokee style offense from 1794 known as “He who throws big rock” could really give Lehigh an edge in this one. Read that again.

13-6 Hopkins.

Georgetown vs Penn State

Winner: Penn state

Torn over this one. Flip a coin 763 times to decide it. This better be an Anish or beninati game or I’ll fucking scream. Tj Malone vs banksy all day fucking long. If Jack “yolked” Posey scores, I guarantee a nits W. The game I’m most excited for by far, vardaros breath smells like hot dogs and relish. Fracyon better send me Saudi hair oil samples if they win this one. Can go on and on with this one, Kona big waves and bratwurst on the grill with ladies of the night on standby.

Gonna try and sneak into post game showers with Tj.

10-9 Nits OT

Notre Dame vs Albany

Winner: Notre Dame

Yes I know Albany has to beat sacred heart, but that should be an easy win for the Danes. No clue how Utah is seeded higher than Albany, someone wanna talk to pelosi about that one? Regardless, I’ll be getting a double chicken burrito at chippers and crying over the fact Reese Burek isn’t playing another collegiate game instead of watching this mess. No chance for Albany in this one unless the entire Irish roster gets food poisoning. Cousin Dobson is experimenting with moose tranqs in prep for their tourney run and ckav has reignited his rabies addiction so look out NCAA.

18-10 Irish

Syracuse vs Towson

Winner: CUSE

Am I little fuckin nervous for the orange in this one? Yea, absolutely. Towson is the last team I would want to play out of the bottom 9 teams. Don’t forget when Drenner and Seider upset the orange not too long ago. I think cuse is going to come out hot after that awful performance against duke. Expect dwanasaurus rex to get multiple unnecessary roughness pens in this one. Towson has underrated grit. They love to get a little chippy and I’m hype for this one. Will be a close first half, with cuse pulling away later in the third and maintaining it.  Prediction is really a lost cause here though. As someone who has watched cuse since the day I was born, expect them to do something stupid at some point and give Towson a shot. That or just fall asleep all game and lose in like a 7-5 sleeper fest. Prove me wrong my glorious Caccamo. Jordan Vincent better be playing stereo love pregame with kohke ripping platty Amex bumps in stall number 3 in the dome locker room.

14-9 Cuse.

For the 4 women who read my stuff, prediction for yall’s tourney is northwestern vs syracuse in the ship with cuse getting the natty. I think? What time does Caitlin Clark play? What is a charlotte north? Idk go Cuse. Drago will be waiting in his water bed for you guys upon return. To the Ivy League teams, I wish you all bad luck.

Until next week,


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