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Player spotlight of the weekend: Luke Tomak, Drexel

Starting something new here boys. Following that Drexel win, shoutout Jack Joyner, I was looking at their roster and decided to write about Luke “Tatonka” Tomak. Had a quiet day today but he’s been solid all year. He was born in the southern cave systems of Mongolia to a mother of Amazonian descent. His first experience with lacrosse was when the village bully Kahmunrah threw pebbles at his head. In retaliation he hand wove wolf fur into a pocket and tied it to a mammoth bone frame. He then launched the pebbles at Kahmunrah’s grandmother and from that, began to love the creators game.

He then moved to Connecticut where he finally met his dad Archibald Rothschild-Tomak. He scored 273 points over 4 years at Choate Rosemary Hall and porked his Bio teacher Ms Danger’s beave which in turn got her fired. I asked a few of his high school teammates what kinda guy he was and they all seemed to remember him for his lunches. He had tomato soup in a Star Wars thermos everyday with cucumbers and quinoa in a red Tupperware container with a dragon on the lid. During recess in his elementary years he would hang upside down from the monkey bars while cradling mulch in his Maverik Kinetic. You just can’t teach stuff like that.

Speed up to today where he is one of the leaders on this offense and definitely the biggest man rocket on the roster. Not to give his roommates all the credit, but I’ve heard rumors that they cover his Charmin ultra soft TP in smelling salts the night before each game. He doesn’t know about it, so let’s keep it that way boys. In a recent interview I had with Luke, I asked what his spirit animal was to which he said, “A dragon of course, but like a real mean and mysterious one.” One of the best answers I’ve gotten in years. Lukes a real go getter, he always runs right before arriving at the dining hall so he doesn’t have to wait in line behind his teammates. He just wants to win at everything. Most nights you’ll see him at bars rocking some outfit he saw Bradley Cooper wear in a movie once and a dragon coloring book in his vest pocket.

As far as the rest of the team goes, they continue to climb up my personal rankings. They have arguably the best chemistry in D1 lacrosse and are also the worst Chel players I’ve come across. Today’s game was a heater. Drew Mcgill had 17 saves and is probably struggling to read this with his glasses all fogged up post shower so someone fucking read it to him for fucks sake. Gavin Kelly and Max Semple balled today as well leading the offense in scoring. With an Overtime W, I expect zero players to be sober tonight, drink some Konas and make mistakes with the women’s wrestling team. I will continue to ride the wagon, and I hope to god I get to see the inside of Luke’s coloring book. Whoever holds the school record for the sit and reach, you should consider transferring.

That’s all gentlemen.



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