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Ozzy’s 5 Transfers to Watch out for!

Connor Theriault- Brown to Tampa

This is such a random but glue move that may be frowned upon by the communist Ivy League agendas that read books and eat kale, but I don’t give a fuck. The city of Tampa as a whole is going to be thriving once “Two Finger Theriault” steps on campus. The pregnancy levels in the greater Tampa area are going to skyrocket after his first week on campus. There is going to be a trail of his cum from the Stadium to Ybor City, to Tangra, and back again. I expect Connor to step right into the starting role, but Tampa’s keeper last year had a strict diet of blow and EDM music so he could maintain the spot. He will be teaming up with many other D1 washouts that are looking to fuck around for their 5th year and try to win a natty, so they all should be sniffing rock and end up on the Alcoholics Anonymous list by May. 

Bryce Ford- Fairfield to Maryland 

I love this fucking move more than I love a crack pipe and Abella Danger on a lonesome Winters night. Barbell is a nail gun coming straight out of dirty Fairfield. Bryce is a huge girlfriend guy so #respect but we all know that if he didn’t, every girl in Fairfield, future kids would have strands of Ford F-150’s DNA in them. He was clearly too good for Stag ball so he had to take his talents to College Park. I expect him to make an impact immediately and snap Tillman’s iPad over his erect cock on the first day of practice. Bry is a fucking vacuum on and off the field which is so sick. Terp Town is going to be looking like Aspen circa 1983. 

Luke Fisher - Denison to Fairfield 

First D3 guy on this list and for good reason. “Fish Taco” is a fucking stallion and I truly feel bad for all the fathers who sent their kids to school in Connecticut. Fairfield: cooked. Sacred Heart: Been there done that. Quinnipiac: don’t even get me started. Yale: Ever been to the fantasy section of the library? Thought so. Luke will dominate behind at the X that marks every girl’s snatch within a 100-mile radius of Fairfield. He may score some goals, or he will just touch hella baggage. I heard at Denison they would have “ski-themed” parties every weekend, but nobody actually dressed the part and everyone just did rails off of the Kappa girl’s tits. Luke, bring that energy to Fairfield. Fairfield now stands for Fuck Any Intriguing and Ravishing Female In Every Lady’s Dorm. Make us proud Lukey, please. 

Drew Scott- TCU Football to UNC lax 

This guy is arguably the biggest hoss out of all these guys. To go from a solid TCU football program to a dumpster fire lacrosse program like UNC takes some serious stones. I don’t know if Breschi laced his welcome visit “water bottle” with some Super Mario Fent or gave him some Fortnite Whippits, but I’m shocked he would want to play for the Heels. Nonetheless, it is always pretty cool when D1 athletes switch over to a different sport. Fort Worth is considered the STD capital of the world so I expect Drew to bring some serious leverage with him to Chapel Hill. Coined the nickname Drew P. Cock by 3 of his former five professors, it is safe to say that he has a fucking jackhammer on him. I expect him to use his tripod to good use on Petro’s wife after Carolina gets stretched out and analy punished by High

Point next year!

Sam Burns- Ohio State to Boston

I don’t even know Sam, but I am so glad he got out of communist China (Columbus, OH). I have heard nothing but terrible things about the Ohio State lacrosse program, so I am not surprised that more people have not hit the portal on their team. One story I heard from an inside source is that Nick Myers punished a kid by making him dig a 5 foot deep hole in the sand with a 45 lb. plate. That is actually some psycho shit. Sam will no doubt thrive on a degenerate filled Boston team that will be going berserk in the Fall after the Celtics just got it done last night. Burnsey’s nickname is the “Sherpa” because of all the bag he carries around. I think he will bang some chick in a Derrick White jersey and then tackle some cops with Jake Cates. 

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