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Ozzy is back! And he has some rumors around the Notre Dame team you won’t want to miss!!

Alas, I am back! Boy oh boy Upper Decky fans have I missed you all! I just got back from a 3 month sabbatical in Eastern Nepal, so it’s safe to say I am well rested and rejoiced. I got many opportunities to have sexual intercourse with the women and animals there, so much so that I developed warts on the tip of my cock and Gonorrhea. With that being said, I can’t be more excited to write again, eat my new mistress’s box and slug some twisted teas.

After countless conversations and happy ending massages with the monks in Nepal, I have decided that my first article back would be about the aftermath of the NCAA championship. Although I am a few months late, I felt it was only right to share some of the trials and tribulations that I heard about. Many inside sources in the lax world have given me some insight on the shenanigans that went on in downtown Philly on Memorial Day. But before I get into the meat and potatoes of the operation, I must go R.1.O.P.S. For those of you that don’t know, that stands for Rub 1 Out, Poop, Shower. Not only is this greatest combo since hookers and the 2006 Duke Lax team, but it is also essential for any male looking to tongue punch many foreign women in the anal cavity!

The headlines that stuck out were as follows:

The Kavanaughs ran a freight train on the maid at the Holiday Inn. Apparently around 2:37 am Pat and Chris were seen doing a mean “Eiffel Tower” on the long time maid and part time pleasure seeker, Misty. If you don’t know what an “Eiffel Tower” is, I suggest you look it up on the Urban Dictionary. Quite peculiar if you ask me.

Ross Burgmaster shoved the bag pipes so far up his ass drool came out of this mouth. The beloved Notre Dame bag piper completed this obscene yet beautiful act in front of the whole entire alumni circle just outside of Lincoln Financial Field Stadium.

Coach Corrigan was caught sleep walking downtown, fully naked, chanting “Cheers to Love! Cheers to Honor! If you can’t cum in her, cum on her!” While also blasting the “Rattlin’ Bog” for all of Pennsylvania to hear.

Brennan O’Neil successfully packed a whole pack of citrus Zyns and then found himself caught up in the whirlwind known as the Philly strip club landscape. He went on to make an adult film with their “blue chip”  dancer named Saphire. The title is as follows… “Stud lax guy dominates busty PAWG on the corner of 7th street in Philly, moments before he paints face with jizz.”

Paul Carc, Quint, Anish and Cotter were caught doing black tar heroin and bath salts with the Malvern Prep Hockey team at 2 am in the suburbs of Malvern, PA.

John Danowski aggressively penetrated his son, Matt Danowski’s ass with a 17 inch rainbow strap on saying, “This is why we lost McCabe to that hippie slut Lars Tiffany! Because you can’t take what you can give! Feel my wrath sonny boy!”

Uncle Entenmann finally got laid…she may have been 14.

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