top of page

My Top 17 Public School Teams.


Public schools are sick because you can beat a team 18-0 with a dozen players and a paraplegic, go home and choke the chicken, then black out at your friends crib because his parents are out of town. This list comprises teams that not only are somewhat decent at lacrosse but also live this tempo.


  1. Half Hollow Hills: My smooth brain doesn’t comprehend the difference between Half Hollow Hills East and Half Hollow Hills West, I just remember one time Nick Dipietro (Cuse legend) paid for my bar tab and then mistook me for his girlfriend. He probably was from the wrong Hollow Hills but whatever, these long island scumbags all hit it raw, smoke cubans, and tickle twine, which is swag. 

  2. Staples: These guys have been traveling all over to play good teams and I like it. I was actually eating face on a Staples alum last weekend, then she said she just had a threesome with Ben Burmeister and Josh Marcus and I immediately left her and sat down because I wasn’t competing with those packages. I think if they all started wearing wife beaters to the locker room on gameday it would do them wonders. 

  3. Manasquan HS: Honestly my favorite team in HS lax right now. Just shipped them a flag and some bag ( 🤭) so they should be fuckin buzzzzzzing. They had no adversity all season other than using 50 grit sandpaper for toilet paper, so they lost to Moorestown on purpose. No shame lets just get back to stuffin chicks and sniffin bag. Patch Loxley and Kelly Mulligan rahhhhh

  4. Garden City: If you haven’t ever worn a pair of Vejas, I pity you. Luke Cascadden and Blake Cascadden wear them daily, sometimes nightly. Andrew Ottomanelli is a direct descendent of Sultan Suleiman, he often draws power from the sun and smelling salts pregame. Unfortunately he is going to Holy Cross next year where the sun never shines, so enjoy this year pal. Carson and Cooper Kraus are both well hung and both nailguns.

  5. Bayport blue point: 15 wins, 1 loss to Mason Oak’s high school. These guys might be the best team in the world. If anyone on their roster can do a backflip I expect them to flog their way to a state chip.

  6. Ridgefield: The tigers have really flipped a switch here, Kyle Colsey is yuckkkkk and has been starting to catalog niche and interesting plants near his house. Lars Tiffany is going to love him, I expect first line with Schutz and Pookie Sunderland next year.

  7. South Side: I once heard these guys were gang affiliated but I didnt believe it, now I do. These guys play with a pocket glock, no safety, something I haven’t seen in awhile. I believe Michael Melkonian committed to Yale and then immediately flipped to Cornell a day later, great choice young buck and way to come to your senses. 

  8. Ridgewood: I got a really good Chicken parm sandwich from Best of Everything, recommended by Miles du Bois, and it didn’t disappoint. Their lacrosse team isn’t too bad either, I hear they run an endline set play called ‘fortnite’ that has yet to work this year but sounds and looks really cool.

  9. Lake Mary: I love seeing a Florida team on here, Caden Harshbarger might have as many bodies as this whole list combined and is going to look like an automatic soap dispenser once he gets a glimpse of the birds at UNC. He can definitely do a backflip which is cool, and since he is from florida he indubitably touches bag , which is cooler.

  10.  Radnor: Heard these guys said fuck lax for a week and went to Umiami to slang dick and bang poon a month ago. It did in fact hurt them as they lost to Salensium badly and Marple newtown in ot, a school that sounds like a Mario Kart track, but the boys got their balls drained and are looking at ANC on May 10th as their super bowl. They've been on a hot streak recently maybe coach had the boys castrated to help dial in. 

  11. Victor: Completely new roster from last year, lost all their beauties and replenished with some mid tier squeakers who dont touch bag and jerk off too much. Nonetheless Connor Magin is from here so some respect must be given. Excited to see if Cam Ryan can keep up with a division 1 drinking regimen next year, heard Trey Deere is ready to elephant walk him to armory square. 

  12. Rumson Fair Haven: A great year besides 3 consecutive losses (1 to manasquan), and have a FOGO going to Denison over offers from Cuse, UVA, and Salve Regina, thats how I know he's a nailgun. Andrew Croddick I dare you to challenge Kyle Van Dam to a water bottle chug day 1 at Colgate next fall, in order to build camaraderie. 

  13. Darien: It always was Darien, the CT coal miners who wear polos with lulu shorts to parties. 8-5 rn with close losses to good teams, Brady Pokorny is still doing a lot of freaky shit so expect these guys to go as far as they can as long as he doesnt have a curfew. Horns up Elliott.

  14. Highland park: I mean these guys probably have the best coaching staff in the south if not the whole country with Mike Pressler and Matt Dunn, Hank williams Jr on repeat in the locker room, love it. 

  15. Jamesville Dewitt: Team full of proper lads who like their whiskey sour and enjoy brunettes. Whole lotta grit up and down this roster, ketamine and pcp too. 2 close losses to 2 good teams but I'm hearing they’re going on a strict diet of grass fed Montana bison and pedialyte to get back on track. Only exception is Tom Tracy, he gets Tito’s. 

  16. East Islip: A lot to love about this team,very hairy, long drinks, and maybe mullets? I don't really know. They had to drop their mascot (RIP Redmen) and probably are gonna have something goody like the Wandering Wizards but in talking to my Long Island deli guy this hasn’t impacted their ability to sip wock so they should be OK. 

  17. Marshfield: Having beaten a good Duxbury team, these guys have a stacked offense and a dick slanging defense, led by a well hung nailgun of a coach. Teams that get racked together win together, Socrates said that.

2,138 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


bottom of page