My 5 Worst Teams of 2025!

It is about that time of year when the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, kegs are being tapped, and I am ready to unleash all hell on the 5 worst teams in the country. Every Spring I love nothing more than being able to sit down, and rape and pillage the sorriest motherfuckers in the country. In the last three seasons, we have seen some familiar faces such as Wagner and Hampton, and 2025 proves to be no different. Hampton, Wagner, Merrimack, Canisius, and Mercer are my five worst teams. If this was based solely on wins and losses, Loyola and Yale should be on this list, but we all know they recruit prep school snow plows that would ass fuck these other teams into an isosceles triangle. 

Hampton: 0-10

These guys are dog shit. They have been off to a blazing start to 2025, rattling off 10 straight losses, most notably to Iona and Mercyhurst. They lost to Mercer, another member of this pitiful fraternity, 23-3. Hampton’s leading scorer has shot the piss out of the ball, going 4/28 so far. As mentioned in a previous blog, the Pirates are known to share a backwoods with their opponent at midfield at the end of each loss. They are also known to only turn their snap map on when they are somewhere niche and interesting. Me? I am always somewhere niche and interesting. Usually sniffing rock and drinking Pacifico in my boy’s basement. Sue me. 

Mercer: 1-7

Since the departure of Sean Goldsmith, this team has accomplished diddly squat besides analy rape Hampton like a gaggle of silverback gorillas every year. They are 1-7 and have followed that yearly tradition that I just mentioned to a T. Their current coach has been there since 2023 and as of right now I’m ready to send my intern Rafael down there to sexually harrass him until he leaves town. If you told me I had to spend next weekend watching Mercer vs. Queens in Macon, Georgia, and I was only given two items to bring, I would be walking into that stadium with a kilo of blow and a hand gun. 

Wagner: 0-9

These guys are dog shit. Since their generational upset of Marist last season, the Seahawks have since lost 17 straight games. This team is anti-boozehound and anti-anything illegal. The most common practice these guys engage in on the weekend is putting on black Nike sheistys, white Gildan tee shirts, and arming themselves with a Glock-with-a-switch made of string cheese only to steal the fake IDs of helpless Wagner freshmen. Oh nah, we on him. 

Merrimack: 1-7

These guys are dog shit, but this firm will always be bought into what is going on in North Andover, Mass. The Warriors are 1-7 in the first year of their new coach. With a lopsided loss to Bucknell to start the year, followed by another casualty to the also dog-shit, UMass Lowell. These guys are better off turning their season into an OnlyFans convention. I could see Casey Herod and John Savino make a fortune off of wallball and balsamic foreskin tag. Colin Krueger has the potential to go on a Bonnie Blue x Cabo run if he plays his cards right at Augie’s Pub. 

Canisius: 3-7

These guys are dog shit. I had the pleasure of watching them play Lemoyne and it damn near looked like a hot Indian porn documentary: slow, messy, and laundry all over the field. They have been better this year with a signature win against Sacred Heart, followed by a season-defining loss to St. Bonaventure. You're not more Bonnies than me. They have lost a lot of close games but that does not mean that they are good. The city of Buffalo sucks, and my heart breaks that these guys have to wear bulletproof vests to class every day only to lose to St. Mary’s School for the Blind and Deaf that weekend.