Hampton
These guys are dog shit. They literally didn't win a game last year, going 0-10. Their closest margin of defeat was 16 goals. It looked as if they slammed 3 4LOKO Golds before every game and then had explosive diarrhea in between every god damn goal they let it. They are 0-1 to start 2023, losing today to the newly D1 team, Queens. I'm not sure if Queens even knows they are division 1 yet considering the lack of talent they have been playing in their first few games. Hampton just boosts that idea even more. These kids don't know what winning feels like and I'm not sure if they ever will. Possibly their only bright spot is their 6-5 200lbs. crack-addict looking goalie Paxton Powell, who had a pretty good year last year. The pirates need to get their shit together, or there might be open tryouts in the fall.
NJIT
These guys are dog shit. I bet some people don't even know what NJIT stands for. For those that don't, it means N(these) J(guys) I(fucking) T(blow). It's as simple as that. They are 0-2 this year so far, with losses to Siena and Mount Saint Mary's, two pretty bad teams as well. I have no idea how these guys even recruit because who they hell wants to play lax at a school that has "Institute of technology" in its name. There is no shot girls even go to this school or that there is a party within a 30 mile radius. Maybe the fellas will get lucky and the team manager Marcus', stepsister Violet will bring over some Black Cherry White Claws and let the boys run a train on her. Who knows. That's probably once in a blue moon. Point being these guys are losing on and off of the field. It's come to a point where you either wanna transfer out or start getting black out drunk every night to cope. Some guys love the hangover more than the party itself. Food for thought. Get your shit together NJIT!
Holy Cross
These guys are dog shit. I will say, they do have a solid Coach , but not the talent around him. When I watched them play I thought I was watching a JV scrimmage between my 12 year old dyslexic brother Max's team and Saint Mary's School for the Blind. They have no idea how to run an offense or play team defense. If you watched the Syracuse game you know what I mean. One thing they do have going for them is their location since they are somewhat close to Boston. I believe there is kinda a female population at Holy Cross so these guys aren't starving for puss. The team is made up of rich, white, South Mass. private school kids so odds are they know how to party. Little Timmy is getting some powder from his daddy to go skiing every weekend. So far this year they are 0-4. Most recently they got bent over and analy raped by Mercer, by a score of 15-6. They need to get their stuff together or the whole team might be in rehab soon.
Wagner
These guys are dog shit. Possibly the worst team in D1. The location of the school isn't horrible because it is near NYC. But besides that this is an absolute shit whole. The women around Wagner are absolute shit since the campus is on Staten Island. If you like hot Cheeto bitches that look like Bhad Bhabie, this could be the place for you. If you want your roommate to look like a glorified version of Pete Davidson, this might be the place for you. But most importantly, if you want to do everything on God's Green Earth besides WIN lacrosse games, then holy fucking shit, This is definitely the place for you!! In 2018 they had one of their best years in history, going 4-10! Yes, you read that right. 4 wins and 10 losses. In 2019 they went 2-12. This is just a poverty franchise. I don't even know what else to write about. I'm gonna go pack a zyn to calm down.
Canisius
These guys are dog shit. Out of all of the D1 lacrosse teams, Canisius pisses me off the most. Not only do they suck at lacrosse, but they also recruit a bunch of mid trash-ass pussies. There is such an abundance of good lacrosse players in Upstate, New York, and the Canisius coaching staff just seems to miss all of them. They settle for some of the worst "Division 1" recruits you will ever see. It also doesn't help that Canisius is the laughing stock for all D1 sports. They seem to just suck at everything. No matter the sport. Soccer, basketball, golf or field hockey, I bet anyone can find themselves on one of those rosters. Shit, I bet they even have a team that scrapes the dick warts off of the 80 year old dean that has been there since the War of 1812. Rumor has it that they are the only school that has that "sport". And they still suck at it! So far this year they are 0-2 with a 20-14 loss to Hobart in which Hobart midfielder, Anthony Datellas dragged his balls all over them with 7g and 1a. This past Saturday they lost to Bellarmine 14-4. 10 goals!! Bellarmine is literally in Kentucky. Canisius' campus is also deep in the hood. Not great for team morale after getting shat on by a bunch of hill Billy's. Once again, I'm going to need to pack a zyn and wack off in order to calm me down after this one.
It was another great weekend of lax so cheers to that!
Comments