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My 5 Biggest Stallions in D1 Lacrosse!

Hello all, I just returned from a mission trip to the southeastern coast of Honduras where I built straw huts and delivered bags of Albuterol Sulfate Aerosol to the wonderful people that inhabit the area. I learned a lot about myself as I came down with a mean case of syphilis and met a local sloot who is fluent in Mandarin. I had a premonition from Moses that I must drop my biggest stallions article, and here we are!

Jordan Vincent- Syracuse

The steeze. The fuckery. The blow. The bag. The snus. The speaker. Alpha Phi. These are just a few of the many words that describe the fucking hoss that Jordan Vincent is. If you don’t live under a rock and follow @cusemlax on Instagram, you will see this Stallion carrying his signature speaker to every Cuse game. You would also see the solid bulge in his pants as well. And then the blonde 6 from ADPi that  is hanging onto his mushroom tip for dear life. I really wish I was this guy, and would let him impregnate my wife and then leave her in the dust with a kid. Rumor has it he had a three-some with 3 identical Iowa Women’s Basketball players who will remain nameless (It was Caitlin Clark and her two identical sisters). He may never sniff the field at Cuse but there are plenty of other things to be sniffing on Euclid Ave. I want to munch on his box. Can you buy me a Kiwi elf bar Kitten? I will be your alpha?  deep sigh

Noah Chizmar- Virginia

Chiz all over his face? Chiz all over her face? No sonny boy, Chiz all over my face, Noah! Noah “Jizz” Chizmar is fucking glue. He walked-on to the UVA team in 2021 and has been arguably the grittiest player in college since then. I am not quite sure how much contraband, paraphernalia, and tomfoolery he engages in but I really don’t give a shit. He is oozing with glue and chiz. You do not want your girl around him because he will Arabian Goggles the shit out of her. I would let him take my daughter out to a nice seafood dinner and then never talk to her again. 

Charlie O’Connor- Duke

This guy is a fucking bulldozing, meat-dragging, poon-tanging mass of a man. 6’2 215 is no joke and I heard 180 of that 215 is straight dong. His howitzer is named Monty and his balls are named Python. This holy grail of a dude is something you would see on X videos. A title would go something like, “Duke lax stud dominates on and off the field during Spring break”. Oh wow, we have seen this story before. This is not 2006 ladies and gentlemen! Aidan “8balls” O’Connor is actually a stand up guy who has 5 wives and invests in 9 small businesses every day, and reads 3 Polish novels too. I would do some heinous things to go to a barcade with him. And do some rails while playing ski ball. And indulge in some sweet sweet nectar like a Jaeger and Coke (Shoutout Tyler and Johnny Schwarz and Ryan Levy they are fucking beauties).

Pup Buono- Penn State

Need I say more? He sounds like he should be wacking made-men with Paulie from Goodfellas and then enjoying a nice cuban cigar with a smoke show blonde at the Copacabana. If you look up Stallion in the Miriam Webster dictionary, Pup Buono would pop up. If you look him up in the Urban Dictionary, you would see a picture of a gargantuan behemoth who is hanging brain while docking, munting and jelqing to Sue Bird’s layup highlights. He truly is an autism powered fuck machine that will take down anything in his path. Rumor has it he can hit 3 blinkers in one inhale. He is always good for a vape at the bar and an unholy rizz session with obese women of color. Can you pup my buono?

Shane Knobloch- Rutgers

“Knobthrob”. It’s in the name. This guy fucks harder than you have ever seen before. I am not sure of his preferences but I know he hides out in the Northwest region of Borneo in the summer months after the Scarlet Knights’ season is over. He hunts the local Pygmy Squirell and survives off of a strict diet of baggie. The righteous herbs in the area keep him sane enough to return to New Brunswick in the fall. This past Monday I heard that he scrolled on Sydney Sweeney’s Instagram for 37 minutes and then looked directly into the Eclipse (without those Ivy League, communist agenda glasses of course) just so it could be the last thing he ever sees. Thats fucking sick dude. He is also known around campus as the “Night Howler” for the excessive amount of wet dreams he gets. 

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