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Writer's pictureOswald Van Bismark

MIAA Preview


1. McDonough

These boys are straight nails on the field. Off the field,, they are still being carried to victory by the midshipman. While most of these boys nurse 1-2 vodka crans the whole night. I watched the midshipman once order a full pitcher of Vodky Red Bull. They get the 4-peat this year and obtain so much hardware they don't know what to do with it. My buddy Leviathan and I finna yank some of it for our new apartment decor.


2. Spalding

No Nail Guns, No pregame stewie littles, and a corn ass student section, but they managed to wax Mcdonough over the summer. To some, this may appear as an upset but before the game, Mcdonough was forced to rest their starters after they got banned from all the Red Lobsters on the East Coast for getting a handy in the booth #PassTheButter.

3. Boys’ Latin

Electric. It all starts for this team at their annual Florida trip this year. Boys’ Latin is banned from AirBnB, resulting in them having to rent Vrbos for their trip #NoAmenities. Their chemistry will be unmatched after surviving in the Florida projects. Anything below 3rd would be an extreme disappointment for this team.


4. St. Paul’s

My sleeper of the year is St. Paul’s. Many of the boys' chop looks like it was done with a weed wacker, but it doesn't matter because they still have birds attached to them at the hip. The Nittany Lion on attack will be their key. Once watched him split topside, introduce the pole to the turf, re-dodged the slide, looked off the coma, and shot a leaner from 13 out. All with an Iroquois top string. 


5. Calvert Hall

Gargantuan fall off from 5-6 in the rankings. This is the last team I see being able to hoist the plaque this season. This team does slam nose to the table and they do have more than a few pregame stewie littles. I docked my ‘02 Subaru hatchback beside the field and watched a practice. All was good until I saw them shooting on their tendies with tennis balls. 


6. Loyola Blakefield

Meh. This team hit the incoming freshman transfer portal hard, but I fear with all players coming in having no chop and not one #StringWizard on the team they will be left stunned. Disappointing because a once flourishing program led by #SteelStanwick has been bent over by the leftist higher-ups.


7. Gilman

Daddy’s money will be more than disappointing this year. This will be the last year for their leftist head coach who has driven this program into the ground. The graduating class managed to cover up his flaws with their dope ass steez, but with few steez lords on the roster this year it will be too much. I expect the coach to hit a rain check midseason and take a vacation in North Senegal to reconnect with the creator.



8. MSJ

Not even sure this team cares about rankings. They have players wearing cardboard shoulder pads and taped-on elbows. Nuff said.


9. St. Marys

What once was a flourishing program has been sent under by the liberal left higher-ups at the school. This team is chalked full of smart-asses and pansies. They expect their parents to do everything for them even the mother fucken ball hunt. I have never seen a more disappointing ball hunt since I left my position as LIU club lacrosse O coordinator.


10. John Carroll

    These Bel Air boys are straight stinky. Heard one of their nail guns does not shower within a week of their game so he can have the nastiest split dodge #Laxin


11. Severn

School is in a nice area but I mean come on. After St. Mary’s recent downfall means they have all the opportunity and money to capitalize, but simply won't. They took an excellent first step in spoon-feeding their new coach a bag. For now, I say relegate to B.


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