top of page

Marcus's week 13 player spotlight: Walker Wallace, Cornell

What a few weeks of lacrosse. Loved watching Tillman swerve the fuck out of the michigan coach, right after bro jizzed himself seeing his wolverines fondle the terps. Interesting developments to say the least but the Upperdeckylax firm is excited for the tournament, wishing we could've seen Cardiac Qpack and Denver in over the fraudulent Yale bulldogs, but happy that the lads up at Cornell get theirs. This week I'll be doing a deep dive into Walker Wallace, former goalie turned LSM that has been tearing it up at Schoellkopf as well as with the women in Ithaca.

The feeling I got after discovering Walker Wallace's junior highlights was like how I'd imagine the dude felt after finding the Rosetta stone. I felt like I had discovered something new, something revolutionary, that I had needed in my life, that a previously empty void had been fulfilled. I laughed, I cried, I was hype as fuck. It is possibly the greatest goalie highlight vid ever. More to come on this topic later this week as I (marcus) analyze some of the greatest highlight tapes of all time, a project done in mild collaboration with ECD Greg. You can be sure mr Wallace will be mentioned there, along with many other greats of our generation.

Walker Wallace seems like a chill ass dude. Gives me heavy Cameron from ferris bueller vibes, doing his own thing and got that mild but not that obvious pacific islander look. Heard he fucks around in the Dyson School of Economics and gets a 4.0. Has great taste in music, bumping youngboy and soundcloud remixes pregame but also can indulge in some tswift. The versatility is insane. Also hearing that he may be the funniest guy on the team, second to only Eddie Rayhill ( only when he drinks his jungle juice). Wallace is rumored to not hang with the boys enough, but granted hes got a lot on his fucking plate. Like he came in as a goalie and switched to pole. He has a 4.0 in the fucking Ivy league. He's funny as hell and is a HUGE swiftie. How can you not love this guy? Definitely the type of dude that you'd want dating your daughter. Also seems like the type of dude that would get high and then carefully examine a house plant.

On the field this year Wally has been tearing it up. A cheeky 2g 1a, 12gb and 7ctos on the year for the former goalie. Good thing he didn't switch to pole earlier or else Daddy Lars would see his 6'7 frame and blow the fattest load known to man on the sideline at Naptown. Really excited to see the Big Red avenge their championship weekend woes from last year. Hoping that cousin Adler can continue his stoic self and not smile until they win it all, and that Kyle Smith can keep hooking up with Leo Johnson's chick after he smacked Smitty's ass. Otherwise theres lot of questions to be answered about this team, does Charlie Box actually eat box? Is Bowie Horsman a real person? How many kids does JQ Stramanak have? Interested to see how the lads perform and hopefully we can see some answers. Cheers

465 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page