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Intern Preston Presents: DIII Player of the Week

Updated: Mar 14, 2023

Preston Carmichael Prescott III here bringing you my first annual Division III POW. You're welcome!


I would now like to formally recognize Crosby "Crossbar" Fay of Plymouth State University as this weeks D3 POW with his 8 goal total performance in two games. I would like to add before I get started, Crossbar has a tilly tomorrow against Curry where he will more than likely be rifling more than a few geno's through the Curry goaltender's under satchel, but we just could not wait to give him this award.


Notice how I said 8 goal performance — not 8 points. Crossbar obviously does not give a fuck lol. This kid is absolutely slamming the biscuit in the basket wherever and whenever he pleases. He also probably smokes Marlboro Reds — I am not completely sure, but that's just my guess as an intern here at Upper Decky. Anyways, just look at his stats from this season and last season. Crossbar most certainly fornicates on a regular basis. The St. Lawrence transfer turned Plymouth Panther stuffed home five goals in their 10-9 win over the St. Joseph's Monks. According to my calculations, that's 50% of his teams goals. Let's fucking go Crossbar. After absolutely embarrassing the St. Joseph's Jabroni's, just a few days later, Crossbro put in 3 of his teams 4 goals in their tough OT loss to the Lasell Lasers. Again, that is equal to 75% of his teams goals. No one else could do this.


I know I mentioned it previously, but it's important to highlight that Crosbro, Crossbar, Crosbeast, etc. attends Plymouth State University up in bumfuck New Hampshire. For those who are uneducated on the topic, the show Blue Mountain State was literally based off of Plymouth (look it up). THIS GUY ABSOLUTELY GETS POON, PACKS CHEWS, AND DRINKS LIKE AN ORCHA. And don't even get me started on his Elf Bar endeavors. Plymouth State was ranked #9 on Playboy's "Best Party School's" list a decade back, and according to niche.com, "PSU hosts tons of raging parties almost any night of the week". It's safe to say that Crosby and his PSU colleagues like to score goals and stuff holes on the reg. Congratulations Crosby, keep drinking Busch lights and slapping a***, and everyone stay tuned for our next D3 POW. Submission requests welcomed!


-Intern Preston



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