As the 2024 season is coming to an end, it is only right to see how my 5 worst teams are doing. If you have not read one of my previous blogs, “My 5 Worst Teams in all of D1”, then it is a must before you delve into this. Not only will it give you some context, but also some toothy head from your neighbor named Trixibelle. To make things short, these five teams have exceeded all expectations and amassed a total record of 3-64. That percentage is almost as bad as my pal Winston’s back at Mulligans in ‘98. He ended up going home with the first They/Them of our generation. It was a two sided experience to say the least. Without further ado, let's get into it!
Hampton- 0-13
Dynasty. Dynasty. Dynasty. These guys are still dog shit. Sitting at 0-13 on the season with an average margin of defeat of 16, it is safe to say that these guys are still deathly allergic to success. This juggernaut is now 2- 41 throughout the past four seasons. There is no reason why their coach should even be on the hot seat because just 1 win, yes you fuckheads, just 1 single, measly win will be better than the last four years of Pirate ball. In terms of D1 opponents, they should just schedule the other four teams on this list and they can all duke it out in the battle of the “Shit Bowl’. Or, Hampton can schedule Wabash and Lindenwood’s club team for rights over Sri Lanka and its neighboring territories. Nonetheless, Hampton is still shit, and will be having open tryouts in the fall.
Mount Saint Marys- 1-14
Holy fuck I actually had some hope for these guys but they let me down in so many different ways. Ending their season at 1-14 is something I did not expect. I will now be in a glass case full of emotion for the next 36 hours. The Mount lost a couple one goal games so they should be something more like 5-10, which is still shit. This record just proves that this team is just a bunch of virgins who can't drive. However, it was the first year of their coaching staff who had tremendous success at Mercyhurst, so I don’t doubt that they can have Frederick County, Maryland jumping like Erie, P.A.! As long as wheelchairs are still being thrown down stairs then Erie will forever be the Vegas of the Northeast (iykyk).
St. Bonaventure- 1-11
1 win, 4 close losses, 7 anal rapings, and another year of no pussy for the Bonnies. After their 11-4 campaign in 2022 one would think that there was something brewing in Allegany, New York. If you were to put a $1,000 futures bet back then for the Bonnies to win three games over the next two years, then you would be celebrating Meth Monday with Carl and Schmidt under your local bridge and double teaming some meth head named Krystal. That's how atrocious they have been since their clear Mickey Mouse run to the MAAC championship many moons ago. I just hope they touch enough bag for there to be a blizzard in Upstate next week.
UMass- Lowell- 0-12
These guys blow horn. At this point, Umass- Lowell catching L’s is more plentiful than Cocaine in the 80s. An 0-12 record in 2024 is simply fucking shameful. I don’t have much to say because Umass Lowell does so many drugs and raw dogs so many birds that they should be putting up wins. No bag, no bitches, no wins. Just a fucking disgrace. Please go find a foreign woman named Clarice that will make your ass whole as smooth and as clean as Mr. Clean’s head after a hard core Arabian Goggles and Crusty M session. Make sure she says, “Me So Horny Baby!” after every other word or she may be a lady boy.
Wagner- 1-14
Wagner sucking is like fucking clockwork at this point. 2020, Kobe dies, Wagner blows. 2021, Essex Commonwealth purchases Bahrain from King Hamad bin Isa Al-Khalifa, Wagner is still ass. 2022, Brittany Griner is detained, Wagner still sucks camel dicks. 2023, Damar Hamlin almost goes to the gulag for a Pop Smoke concert with Jimmy Buffet, Wagner is somehow still fucking garbage. 2024, Drake’s suppressor gets leaked for the greater good, Wagner is still a flaming pile of dog shit that will never be relevant until a horse named Scotty Rodgers wins the Kentucky Derby in 2043. All I am asking for is a Wagner win, a baggie, and some divorce papers I can bring home to Heather before my dog only has three legs.