For those of you that read a previous article of mine, “My 5 Worst Teams in all of Division 1!!” you know that Hampton, NJIT, Holy Cross, Wagner and Canisius are my top 5 worst teams. It’s safe to say that they all still blow cock. These 5 teams have a combined record of 4-29 against real Division 1 teams, 2-0 against teams who are playing their first year at the Division 1 level and 2-0 against fucking Division 3 teams! If any of you have not read that previous article about these teams I suggest you do, not only because it will help you better understand this post, but it will also send only the finest tingle into your left nut, making you ooze with joy as the forbidden white substance runs down your leg. Wow am I getting out of hand for this one. Let’s get into the blog!
Hampton- 2-5 (kinda)
These guys are still dog shit. Sitting pretty at 2-5 overall is quite a step in the right direction for them..or so you think. These fuckers have two wins. One over D3 St. Andrews and another over D3 Wabash. Hampton won both of these games 16-4. It is clear that these two schools are at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to D3 lax. I don’t even give a fuck about St. Andrews, they can fuck off. I want to focus on Wabash. What the fuck is a Wabash, who the fuck is a Wabash, where the fuck is a Wabash. Wabash is an ALL BOYS SCHOOL in bumfuck Indiana with a population of about the amount of hairs I have on my ballsack. This place is a fucking dump. Rumor has it the cross country team there got busted for their “hazing rituals” which consisted of analy raping the slowest freshman with a “17 inch All American Dildo” in the handicap stall of the Liberal Arts building. Most of the students there major in the “Ethics and Analytics” of doing the elephant walk. I heard the 57 year old professor of the course, Don, starts off the ceremony by nutting into a biscuit and then force feeding it to any kid who questions his views on beastiality in the northwest region of the Democratic Republic of Congo. Quite interesting if you ask me. You can also ask me if I think Hampton is still a top 5 worst team in D1, and my answer will be yes 100 times out of 100. Beating up on queer community college dweebs is not ethical nor impressive.
NJIT- 2-5
These guys are still dog shit. They have 2 wins over 2 incredibly Mickey Mouse opponents. The first one came over Wagner. Wagner is another team on this list so you will hear my rant about them in a bit. NJIT’s next win is over fucking Lindenwood. These guys have just made the transition to Division 1 so this barely counts as a win. Since we all know that no birds go to this school, I don’t even know what these guys did after they won. Maybe they went to the library to have thumb wars or decipher pi or Hammurabi’s code or some shit. Or maybe, just maybe, the fellas ran a little train on team manager Marcus’ step sister Violet. Word on the street is that people saw her sneak in through the back door around 10:16 pm and didn’t come back out until around 11:47 am the next morning. People said they heard “audible cheeks clapping” all night so my guess is the boys actually had a little choo choo action going on. I guess Violet did let the boys run a train. Not only did they do it once, but they did it again, again, again and again to the point where her anal cavity was the color of my meat after I spanked it 13 times in one day on spankbang.com. Safe to say the boys enjoyed their time, but may have overstayed their welcome. Although Violet's poop hole is the “cats meow”, the boys won’t be visiting that 5 star resort anytime soon. And yes, NJIT is still one of the worst teams in the country. I will be taking no further questions on the highlanders season or their "team bonding" exercises.
Holy Cross- 0-8
These guys are still dog shit. Sitting at a mighty fine record of 0-8, it is safe to say that this team is arguably the worst in the country. Their average margin of defeat is around 8 goals and they are scoring about 7 a game. 7 FUCKING GOALS! I literally jerk off at a bare minimum 9 times a day! How the fuck am I averaging more more balls in the back of the net than Holy Cross?! Besides that I don’t know what else there is to say. The party scene on that campus is fucking horrendous. I would rather go spend a weekend at the “Sisters of Notre Dame School for Nuns” than at Holy Cross. I mean if little Timmy’s dad is giving the boys a full season ski pass then I’m totally fucking there but if not you can find me down at Mulligan’s crushing some American Spirits while I try to mysteriously seduce the bar maid. At this point the whole Holy Cross team is probably looking to transfer out. Shit, I’d even think about going to Wabash if it meant I could get some off the field play…even if it was from a dude.
Wagner- 2-5
These guys are still dog shit. Right now Wagner is my least favorite team in the whole entire country. The reason is because they recently beat Upper Decky Lax’s favorite team in triple OT, the Quinnipiac Bobcats. This whole game was rigged from the start. The bobs had to literally travel to fucking Staten Island and when they arrived at the team hotel, security took all of the boy's elf bars. When Qpack got to the Wagner stadium, the Wagner staff gave the Qpack guys water bottles laced with roofies and fentanyl. I don’t even know how the fuck those guys were able to even show up on the field but it shows the culture that is being built there. Ethan McGerald literally was telling the athletic trainers that he was fucking “playing fortnite out there with Ninja and then Lebron joined the game and got spicy nudes from Tfue’s auntie”. Shit sounds crazy to me to be honest. Definitely is true too. Idk man all I can say is that Wagner is still trash and that their win against Qpack was Mickey Mouse and that Wagner won’t want to see these guys when they are allowed to cheef the fuck out of their elf bars pregame.
Canisius- 2-6
Okay so I am still the biggest Canisius hater out there, but this is definitely the best team on this list. Their 2 wins come over a solid victory against a good Marist team and then a drubbing of a horrendous St. Bonaventure team. If I wasn’t hungover when I originally made this list, the bonnies for sure would’ve been on here. Besides those two casual games, these guys still suck. They still recruit a bunch of retards and they still are the laughing stock of all Division 1 sports. I was at my auntie’s house the other day and she said that my cousin Benson got a scholarship offer from the Canisius head coach. Congrats to Benny, but this just goes to show you the kind of guys they recruit. For starters, his name is fucking Benson. If there was anyone else who knew a guy named Benson, I’m sure he wouldn’t be allowed within a 100 yard radius of an elementary school. Secondly, my cousin literally shoves crayons up his ass for fun and braids the hair on my dogs balls in his free time. I mean, to each is own, but it comes to a point where you gotta start to question the thought process of Canisius. All in all, they still suck and will continue to suck with recruits like Benson.