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Greg’s top 20: Zero bias

Im feelin great fellas. Just landed a new deal with this Jap fella named Hiroto Katsumoto to repossess multiple small apartment complexes from the poor in Tokyo last night. My friend just started at blackrock and learned invisibility spells on his first day and sucked the blood of a youthful baboon. Two weeks away from army vs navy I’ll be gooning until that day arrives. Let’s get right into it, don’t want to waste any time.


Texas club lacrosse team





20. Drexel

Uh so uh they lost to a school known as Fairfield this weekend. If anyone knows where that is please feel free to let me know. I think I smoked pot with the dean at one point in life but could be wrong. Gavin kelly is a stud and Girth Tomak continues to impress the firm. I’ve heard from multiple sources that Tomak spends his Monday nights cat calling at the local hookah bar. He loves middle eastern birds and Turkish coffee. This team loves camels and hand woven carpet, but might want to stop losing on purpose soon.

19. Boston

Fuckkkkk lost a tight game to duke. Would’ve gotten off my shit list if they had won but I will continue to hate for beating army. That clip of disability Oneill breaking that dudes ankles and stingin ched will give me nightmares for weeks. Beat holy cross by 67 on Saturday this team has upset potential in every game they play.

18. Harvard

Poverty franchise, Mickey Mouse school. Parties are dust and the birds are busted. I’d rather listen to Rabil explain to me how much the game has grown since he took over than spend a night partying with these fellas. If a goalie scores on you, just pack it up and quit. Get to your physics 201 class and get shit on by Beatrice from the debate team. Group of rats.

17. Richmond

Beat a monster of a squad known as st bona, I’ve heard they’re known as the Whipsnakes of southwest NY so don’t sleep. Aidan Oneill with 7 points and 11 Tri delt birds mucked. Dalton young slapped his shmeat around a bit as well with another 7 points. Daltons a scummy guy, he blocked my daughter on Snapchat and refuses to respond to my WhatsApp messages. Need luke grayum to get his head out of his ass and start drinking on weekdays.

16. Michigan

I now see what’s going on with this team. Every once in a while, they’ll decide to be sick, and then for every other game just black out the night before with corum and then rip ketamine pre game. Could win the big ten tournament, but could also lose every conference game. Depends on if these guys decide they want to try.

15. Penn

Mickey Mouse win. Team has lost to unc and st fucking joes. No hate to st joes but like cmon. Sam Handley blocked us for the verbal abuse he received from us. Little does he know the Drexel lacrosse team would plow every single one of his girlfriends throughout his college life. Handley has minuscule puppy hands and his rope looks like a caterpillar.

14. Princeton

Coulter Mackesy with 4 beanos against Dartshit and Kabiri with 3 points as well. Cool mascot, I once molested a tiger on a fentanyl Friday with my buddy Ozzy.

13. Quinnipiac

Yea they lost go ahead and celebrate you AOC sympathizers. If you root against this fucking team we all know who you voted for. About as blue collar of a team as you can get. Look, they bounced back Saturday and sold me an 8 ball for cheap. Good kids. Mason oak is on pace for 236 bodies in his college career. I hear he loves hitting the slopes and long cut Copenhagen. Fake news media now has them unranked for one fluke loss. Go celebrate all you want pussies, the cats are about to go on another heater. Ryan Donnery for All American.

12. Denver

Dude this team is just being annoying again. All the cunts who have never played the sport before tug these dudes and clean out sillstrops foreskin every Tuesday. They are so fraudulent it makes my asshole pucker up. Can’t wait till Georgetown ends this joke.

11. Yale

Only beat brown by six, DOGSHIT. Brandau has played 345 games in a Yale uniform and people are bragging about records and what not? Yea I also hold every record at Andover but was a varsity starter for 6 years! Half this team has to commute to practice from their dad’s firm every afternoon. Really is a bunch of grown men trying to beat a group of teenagers week in week out. Never seen an attractive female on campus, makes sense why all these dudes hate themselves. Timothee chalamet is their biggest fan.

10. Cornell

Still the best Ivy League team not up for debate. Played shitty this weekend, I expect a bounce back performance. Nuff said.

9. Georgetown

Can these fuckers switch to the ACC? I think they’re pretty damn good but play against paraplegic fucks at these bum schools. Nothing against providence, just like they’re not a lacrosse school. Switch conferences, become an important team, give banks the reigns.

8. Maryland

Looked like the dominant Maryland we’re used to in the 2nd half. Wierman decided to rip car bombs at halftime and got the boys going. Jack Koras with 4, nice to see someone else stepping up big. Terps could be very back.

7. Johns Hopkins

Russel Melendez must have a song dropping soon. 5 points? Yea he’s in love for sure if he’s actually trying again. Angelus still refuses to shoot the ball but it’s fine I’m fine. My first born son’s name will be Chauvette. They might still be good, thought they were Denver level of frauds after the navy game. Could be very wrong about the jays. Charlie is a great name.

6. Penn state

Very rough loss, just fell asleep in the 2nd half. When I was watching tj Malone in that 1st half, I’m pretty sure I saw him take on the form of a Pegasus and fly into the sunset. Give him the Tewaaraton. Once this team gets Voluptuous Jack posey back, they’ll be unreal. The poster i have of him in my man cave is covered in my wife’s discharge. Thanks Jack!!!

5. Duke

Dawg why are these dudes ranked 3 by IL? Wins over Denver and BU are considered enough to be ranked 3rd now? Dont get me wrong this team is good, but we saw what happened when they played cuse. Nowhere near the level of the notre dame, we will see that this weekend.

4. Syracuse

Story of the game, kohn just has to be better. I’m not one to just blame one guy, but less than 30% percent is not a winning recipe. Entemann must have done all his blow cause I don’t even know what I was watching. Glad they made this game a fight to the end, was falling asleep a bit. Mark stood on his head.

3. UVA

Not happy with the cavs. Almost made me look bad in front of my friends. Only player who gets a double wrister from me is nunes for scoring. Fine Cormier you too. Cormier was actually the only bright spot on offense. Best passer on the team??? Not sure what the fuck Shelly was on, needs to be better. Don’t ever do that again boys.

2. Army

GOD BLESS AMERICA. Give ryan nixon our nuclear codes!!! I’m gonna take away eichers pizza MRE privileges if he can’t HIT THE DAMN NET. Sorry for yelling Jackson you made me a little angry this weekend, we need you to be back if y’all are gonna make a run. Truly a gritty performance from the knights, unc probably played their best game of the year. If Sean Byrne is the truth, this team just got their new Fort Knox. I will cherish matt chess forever though☹️ Plunks and Burek got the boys going on O, no surprise there.

  1. Notre Dame

I mean dude what the hell. Entemann may have just put up the greatest save I’ve ever witnessed. Taylor just hates Syracuse. Idk what’s up with bro and the color orange, just pure hatred. Will lynch deserves all the weed south bend has to offer, dominating performance from the kid. After this weekend, I think it’s safe to say they are a pretty clear favorite to win it all.

Cheers fellas,


(This is satire)

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