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Greg’s Top 20. Still completely unbiased.

HM: NJIT, Cornell, Bryant, Colgate.

Solid weekend of lacrosse, I’m still shitfaced over the fact my first born son will never amount to anything. Told him to sell his Andover gear on sideline swap and start working construction. JV as a fucking Junior? Bum child I blame my wife for these fucking genetics. Now I have to pretend to be excited to watch my daughter play.

20. Manasquan High

Bit of a surprise here, but we like what we see, a team loaded with talent for a public school. Kyle cap will be attending Bryant next year and has been eating chipotle everyday for the past 6 years. That’s what winners eat. Muly and Kunzy will be up at Lehigh and who fuckin knows what happens there man. I didn’t know Lehigh existed until mule tore it up. This team is going to fun this year. Who gives a shit if they win, patch “put your hands on me and I’ll sue” loxley and Kelly “my dad owns the state” mulligan are throwing down every weekend in the hamptons.

19. Tufts

Sally smacked CNU a week ago giving them the number 20 spot on this list. Not sure why WRA legend Jordan Ito isn’t playing, maybe he is just don’t see any numbers for him. D3 is cool, just a lot of drugs and lax bros. Most nights you’ll see these boys throwing empty bootleggers at the MIT com sci majors. Solid group of bros

18. Delbarton

Gabe “Deltoids” Reiter, Ryan Trafford, Will “Cheddicano,” Angus McDonald, need I continue? Solid group of real bros right here. I’ll be attending the yearly beach house praccy Memorial Day weekend for some hookers and a few illegals sprinkled in. First Delby game I saw there was 13 fights throughout the game. Rated the richest team in the nation, if you beat them expect a lawsuit. My financial advisor Matheus Pothdopolous won back to back ships at delby, we fucked all the same chicks back then so steez. Expect these fellas to do some damage this year both on the field and with the birds up in jersey. Yo Rispoli, put the fuckin books down and hit the wall in front of some babes. Time to grow up champ. Peter falk relax with the PDA outside Camelot too.

17. Drexel

Lost on purpose again. Best goalie in the nation stood on his against st Joe’s, (they threatened to break his glasses pre game) but it wasn’t enough. Their best player loves singing karaoke and Chel with the bros but sucks at both. Great guy, just a hairy Saudi fella. Name rhymes with dyke or something. Everytime drexel loses, I repossess a low income apartment complex just to feel something. Shoutout blackrock. Better fucking win next week or I’m gonna hit my damn wife again boys.

16. Princeton

Lowkey might suck but I don’t hate this team as much as the other Ivy League fags. I smoked pot with Kabiri last weekend and he kept putting his arm around my wife. Not cool Lil Nate. In all seriousness, he might be the best freshman in the class. Sick fuckin mascot too.

15. UNC

Will be surprised if this squad wins an ACC game but the rebuild is looking good so far.

Still confused why zynser isn’t playing more he could torch some of these teams. Almost positive Duffy has gaped the entire women’s fockey team at this point. Armando bacot is taking a 9th year to play goalie for these boys next year. Pretty cool.

14. Harvard

Bunch of scrotum lickers right here. They spend most nights measuring their shafts with each other and flirting with the only attractive bird at Harvard. No matter how good Harvard can be, they have to live with the fact their parties consist of board games and fucking pizza. I’d rather spend a night with Scottie Rodgers than drink at a Harvard party. Scottie Rodgers molested my son.

13. Richmond

People still seem to forget about these boys down in the worst city in the damn country. How these dudes manage to get any women that don’t have pink hair and 86 piercings at their parties I can’t answer. Dalton left my daughter on read, my family is getting the damn belt this weekend.

12. Denver

Fraud fraud fraud. Fluke win over Hopkins. Garbage loss against fucking yale. Other than having the steeziest names in D1 lacrosse, not a whole lot going for these guys. Just a lot of grass and powder out in Colorado. Once they get a Native American on the rozzy, they’ll probably be a final four team, until then, they’ll get an undeserved spot in the yoffs.

11. Yale

There’s like gay people in life, and then there’s like DuPont circle gay people, and tthen here’s brandau and his teammates. Won a shitbox of a game over the weekend. Brandau seems like the type to have Palestine shit all over his bedroom and cry when he’s not in a safe space. Fuckin chain mesh shirts on Sundays for this fella. Been seeing a lot of rumors that he’s dating Rabil if anyone can confirm. Hope these fuckers lose every game in conference play. If they win the ship this year I’ll get a damn tattoo of their faggoty logo on my arm.

10. Quinnipiac

Only reason they aren’t ranked by other companies is Dan arestia. Pacc alum bullied him into obesity when he was younger. Fuck you Dan. Still undefeated, still the best parties in the nation, and still the best girl to guy ratio at all parties. Interesting to see if they can hold it down with Falcon Pizza closed down. Will show some real heart.

9. Georgetown

Banksyyyy. Yo bankssss. Aye Banksyyy, we rippin bars or fuckin whatttt bro ferddsssss. Banks stoppppp bro you’re gonna get us in trouble broooo. Banksyyy cmonnn bro she’s a rocket let’s hanggggg. In classic Georgetown fashion, they decided to be retards to begin the year, but now are a legit contender. Bundy is a fuckin Dino nugget. Kade Goldberg mucked Nancy pelosi last week. Hoya fuxa!

8. Penn St

Big ten better be shitting bricks right now. Matt “Tren god” Traynor went fucking atomic with TJ havin a day as well. Fracyon rubbed his lucky Aphi girls box pre game and saved 64% top 3 in the nation at this point. Penn state vs army in the ship is becoming a reality. When an unstoppable force meets and immovable object type scenario. Handsome Jack posey fucking respond to my snapchats please wtf.


7. Maryland

What the fuck boys? It’s fucking Brown. Brown. These kids are such fuckin dorks up there. I was expecting a 23-4 wash but that was a fucking egg. Erksa had a day but outside of him we can just scrap that performance. If they had lost that I would’ve put them at 20. Not happy boys, not at all.

6. Johns Hopkins

Im not watching another fucking Hopkins game because Carc fucking skull fucked me with Degnons ejaculate. We really have our own Cris collinsworth. Carc must have given this dude a double wrister at the local Hookah bar post game he was so excited.

I swear to fuck I will beat my neighbors dog if hear degnons name again. Saw Melendez wore white cleats, not sure if I had something to do with that, but if I did, the loss is on me fellas. I messed with the rituals.

5. Syracuse

They’re so fucking back. Will Mark poster on my ceiling so I can tug one out to greatness every night. That was the first cuse game in years where they didn’t decide to be retards for a brief 5 minutes and completely blow the game. They looked like a real fucking squad I was horned up. Spallina showed up against a good team, maybe something is cookin again.

4. Duke

Duke is still fucking sick. Fluke loss against Penn. Wouldn’t quite say zawada is the best player in the nation, but he’s been on a heater. Defense is definitely a bit of an issue, but Autism Oneill is going to tear up the ACC.

3. Notre Dame

Out of all the Kavs, Ckav is definitely the guy. Sure Matt and Pat might have the stats on him or whatever, but Ckav has drinking ability, and the grit that fuels this team. Faison might actually be fucking sick but who knows if he’ll keep playing lacrosse after this season. Cousin Dobbs and Uncle Enty continue to be the reason for their success.

2. UVA

Only loss is without their starting fogo, no idea why they are so slept on. Cormier started training Muay Thai this week so expect to see some wild shit once ACC play begins. McCabe is back to being McCabe. Will be on site for their game against Drexel, hope I can meet Truitt sunderland and play Pokémon Go with him.

  1. Army

Everyone is hopping on the wagon. Safe to say, UD does not switch up the way these elitists do. At first, I was just hyping these boys up because they’re the bizzoys, but now I start shaking at the thought of them winning it all (might be the blow I just did off my secretary’s foot). Burek for tewaarton.

Mascot should be a bottle of makers mark. End of discussion.

Waiting for an authentic all black jersey to be sent in the mail. Someday maybe:(

That’s all gentlemen.



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