top of page

Ford's 5 Biggest Stallions in D3

Lot of good and lot of bad this weekend. I'm sleeping at the firm because I lost my house on the Wesleyan game (Fuck Sain't John Fisher), but the 'Cac is still strong. People may accuse this league of being soft, and liberal, but where it matters; the nescac might be the grittiest of them all. The boys still booze, and the only minor difference is that they are now looking for more outside sources when it comes to wheeling birds.  It should be no surprise that some of my biggest stallions in D3 are nescac guys, but overall it was a close competition. Also, it should be no surprise that almost half the elite 8 is nescac teams. Liberal arts or not, these guys play some grit ball, and have earned their place here.

  1.  Zack Goorno (Bowdoin) Zack Goon is one of the best Dmids I may have ever seen, and I think it's a travesty that someone in the MCLA got a pll camp invite instead of him.  I hope it still works out because he is fucking nasty, and should be Dmid of the year again.  He clamps his matchup, is a beast between the lines and can contribute on the offensive end.  Not a weakness in his game.  His game is so good on and off the field, you forget the nescac has been almost overrun by they/thems.  Before every game, he eats raw tiger testicles to get his T levels flowing and focus up.  As far as stallion performance on the field, nobody fucking comes close to this guy.  

2. Luke Pilcher (RIT)  Canadian Grit, man brings heat to the field every single time.  Blue collar, RIT’s best player and has led them to the natty before.  He can pound more booze then Peter Griffin, and still wheel without getting whiskey dick.  The closest thing D3 has to Payton Cormier.  Me and him were double teaming a latvian escort after RIT won the natty 2 years ago.  He can pack a lip of cherry skoal and not spit once.  Great 1v1, even better off the ball.  It’s a shame he’s majoring in engineering because he touches bag like Jordan Belfort and wheels like he’s Johnny Sins.

3. J.P. Mayo (Gburg) Another Seton Hall Prep and tri state product just like James Bailey, this guy is a gritty Dmid who can ball the fuck out.  Legend has it he sleeps every night in the tri sig house.  I’m not a fan of most centennial conference schools but Gettysburg is the exception.  The dudes are mostly nail guns, unlike most D3 schools, you don’t need a cialis to get the job done on a less attractive bird in Gburg.  After the loss to Amherst, I heard he went over and ran an eiffel tower on Brooks Catlin's mom with Frank Barbera.

4. Bo Page (Trinity) The best player for the bants as a freshman while also excelling on the squash court.  Dual sport athlete, nailgun out of the delco area, I think that he was snubbed for rookie of the year.  Should see big things from him next year, and when people come to realize that Trinity has some of the best birds in the entire Nescac (maybe even Northeast), their team could be looking at a natty in due time.  This guy is a total baghound and is slaying more poon than all those frauds at SLU and the ivy league.  

5. James Bailey (Wesleyan) James “Crack” Bailey is criminally underrated and should’ve gotten at least an HM.  Fast, strong, athletic, highly skilled and really smooth with his handles.  Can score in basically any way.  Will wheel your bird, look you in the eye and ask you if something’s wrong with the picture.  Was somehow only held to 2 points against Saint John Fisher.  Fuck those guys for real. Absolute stallion out of New Jersey. Now that his season is over, he plans on being neck deep in fake blondes at Lavallette, and mucking their spray tanned boxes like his life depends on it.


Drew Nicholson Williams

Colin Campbell Bowdoin

John Defazio Salisbury

Jude Brown Salisbury

Wyatt Ferda Colorado College

Colin Donegan Denison

John Santoro Christopher Newport

I'll be working on getting the house back, but for now, touch some bag, muck some box and if you wanna bet on D3 lacrosse, don't bet against Salisbury.


Ford Blumpkinton VI

1,116 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All


bottom of page