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D2/D3 Natty Breakdown

Updated: May 28



Not the best weekend for the firm. Although ND winning the ship was expected, it's a shame that there wasn’t a single good game this championship weekend. ND’s offense bent over Maryland and fucked McNaney so hard he hasn’t been able to walk at all. The semi games weren’t that great either, both of them were complete blowouts. Tufts won the NCAA championship, and Sunday was a shit day for all of hardworking conservative America. I was convinced not to bet on that game from my wife Naomi, and this time I’m actually grateful I didn’t tell her to fuck off so I can go destroy my mistresses.


Sunday was a bad day for America. Don’t get me wrong, there are some beauties on Tufts, like Jack Regnery and Joey Waldbaum. Regnery had a disgusting face dodge but gave it up to an absolute muppet who fumbled right on the doorstep. Regnery ended up with a hat-trick, as did Luke Pilcher. It was an entertaining game of lacrosse, but I speak for all hardworking, true American citizens that this wasn’t the winner we wanted.


Arguably, a Nescac team with real grit (Wesleyan or Trinity) should be the ones hoisting the trophy on championship Sunday. But nonetheless, the most action packed game of the weekend. The boys in RIT got hot at some points, but ultimately, I was right about it being decided early on. Tufts struck first, and RIT was always trying to come back, and never led. It wasn’t the best watch, but it was better than watching a team just get blown the fuck out of the water.


After winning the championship, Casey D’annolfo got rewarded by watching his wife service another man in their hotel room, before sharing a Kentucky Klondike bar with Paul Rabil.


The Tufts team went with RIT to the bars to wheel and deal, because most of their guys don’t know how to act around birds that aren’t a complete dumpster fire who give a toothy head. Yes, I am talking about Boston women. Fugly and can’t compensate otherwise.


Pilcher packed a whole lip of cherry skoal, didn’t even spit once, and ended up demonstrating to Joey Waldbaum how to perform the “shocker” after the bars cleared out. All in all, the boys had a solid night, and I hope the Nescac will eventually be great again.


For the D2 game, I thought Lenoir Rhyne would've fared better after throttling mercyhurst in the natty by 15 fucking goals last year and beating Adelphi by a weird 7-3 margin back in February. Despite this, AΔΦ weathered the punches, and Gordon Purdie let his 1st midfield line get their hands on some mango juul pods and party cake Little Bites during the halftime break which proved to be the difference.


Renner came through with 15 saves after there was uncertainty whether his kilo brick of colombian bam bam would survive the drive to philly in the anal cavity of Braden Donellan. Donellan, who might be the best d2 freshman in the country, can't yet count to 10 and just learned about object permanence. Known as the "grinch" after snatching a seniors v card, he racked up twice as many bodies this year as he did points, most of which after visiting the Hellen Keller school of the Blind and Deaf. The whole team celebrated this by doing the grinch celly after goals, except for Kyle Steinbach, who lost his locker room privileges after being a grinch irl.


I would've liked to see Lenoir Rhyne perform better with the team they had this year, its gonna be tough to perform against tampa next year with half of D1 transferring there to wheel sexy birds and do 8balls off their tits at the beach.


D2 had its brightest moment of its 50 year existence when the announcer said Adelphi had 'a lot of rizz'. Its all downhill from there.


Cheers,

Ford Blumpkinton VI

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