Cocaine, RBVs, and fake blondes on deck for the weekend and I guarantee I’ll be bringing a 4 home with me Saturday night. If you guys need blow, half the players I’ll be listing below have probably already bought out your dealer. #Buiumlovesblow
Most of you lax heads played hockey at some point growing up if you didn’t I bet you play at tufts or any Ivy League. Still a lacrosse based firm but if the hockey world enjoys this, we may dabble in the only other important sport on the planet. College puck gets zero burn and my mind cannot comprehend it, it’s time we start showing these Carhartt wearing Kielbasa’s some love. Also, the Salisbury JV hockey soundcloud mix is generational, I’ve told so many birds I made that shit just for a smidge of play.
Denver
When your team is full of 26 year old Canadians, you’re gonna be fuckin scary. Age jokes aside, what a god damn run last year and they’ve still got the girth to get it done this year. Zeev “The Hebrew Howitzer” Buium could’ve made the leap this year, his spittin chiclets interview had my wife absolutely flooding her 2023 Range Rover and showered 3 times a day for a week. Whatever. Jackie Devine and Aidan “mirror dome” Thompson will lead this squad in scoring guaranteed and papi in net is a fuckin nailgun with a dash of something else in there. Look boys I’m no Denver fan here but hard drugs fear the pios. Olive oil and chicken breasts fuel the senior citizens out west. Yea I’ll take the squad with a guy named Boston Fuckberger to win the natty. That guy fuckkkkin wheels bahd. Guarantee you that guy has watched Kimmy Granger likes it rough over 100 times. Half these guys will be selling me life insurance in 3 years and guess what? I’ll be sold once we split a bottle of JD honey and catcall a few missiles outside the public library.
Minnesota
Big surprise at 2 here, but Jimmy Snuggerud’s rope drags on the ice all fucking game. He should not be playing college hockey still but I’m fucking here for it. He’s not too old or anything he’s just fucking yuck. He rags my daughter on Sundays and mucks her ass on Mondays. I just wish my son had the slightest bit of that talent. The Middlestadts are on the fence between being good this year and becoming LinkedInfluencers, absolute weapons in the networking dms. Half the god damn state population has been asked to meet up for coffee by those guys man. Creampies and raspberry elf bars for the gophers. I don’t think any of them have ever seen a broad with a tan on campus but they still wheel what they can. Pale chicks and those fucking accents would make me blow my brains out but I love the grit here. August Falloon seems like he tells people he’s just not feelin it tonight and doesn’t need a woman in his life when people ask why he hasn’t approached an Aphi bird all night.
Boston
Hockey capital of the world, there’s no argument here. My buddy Thatcher McTwist dominated the bean pot his entire fucking life he once was an emergency tendy for the Bs 30 years ago. Also ran the fent scene there after failing the line test and asking coach if he thought the case race was just some throwaway game up in Rochester. Anyways, they lost some absolute fucking wizards but Cole Hutson has enough moose tranqs to fuel this team to another frozen four. He is not 5’11 though, maybe 5’8, he wore those tiktok shoes that add 3 inches in height to the combine. Mass legend Shane “Longjohn” Lachance has spent 8 straight days at the Pike house selling elf bars and stealing their brews but the guy can bring in some rockets from time to time. Eisermann should have gone first overall the libs just couldn’t stand seeing a patriot like him take over the league. #alreadybetterthanbedsy Sascha Boumedienne has not learned shit for English yet, his current approach to the birds is “me have sex?” 60% of the time, this works everytime, and Sascha will have the Terrier women’s lax freshman with biblical tits wheels up on his twin XL. Put him on the bottom pair and let him get 12 PIM a game. Coach Pando just looks like he takes pictures of Brazilians down in PCB during his summers. I’d play for that guy.
4. BC
Yes, a crime putting them this low but I’m still pissed about last year. Lost me a lot of money. Ryan Leonard is winning the Hobey this year you can place your futures now. The Hagens brothers do everything together. Showers, professors, Xanax prescriptions, and I’ve even heard they put two straws in a single miller lite when they go out. Dean Letourneau’s horn has been called the “uncut undertaker” by locals and he spends most weekends with the Harvard women’s soccer team and listening to old folk songs at Irish pubs. Nothing he loves more than his classmate Hamish MacDonald tearing up a fiddle on a Friday night. Will be a Bs legend someday or I’ll repossess his parents home using my very good standing with certain politicians and high-ups at Blackrock. Will Skahan puts fucking elk and horse liver in his postgame smoothies. These fellas rip newports, none of that vuse bullshit you hear about at northeastern. BC is a hockey school, football is for the poor who can’t afford hockey gear. Get serious this year fellas. I’ve heard BC girls are big into the whole fingers in your back door boys, make sure you’re not experimenting with anything crazy. Talking to you Andre Gausseau, you Californians and your tie-dye ways do not fucking fly over here.
The pacc
RAHHHHH. Bobcats have sex. They could lose every damn game this year and they’ll still be the biggest winners in college hockey. The drug capital of the world Mason Marcellus has ties with most Mexican drug cartels this guy is unreal. Scores 2 and gets straight to his corner spot downtown selling peyote and bag to locals. You can find him wearing a gray cropped wife beater and baggy blue sweatpants on Tuesdays. His signature pink “Milf” beanie gets the old timers out of bed once a week. Absolutely love the guy. Andon “the cervix savant” Cerbone is a goggins enthusiast who is Mason’s right hand man. Enforcer on the streets and that lettuce on the ice gets the student section juiced up night in night out. The day I stop believing in the pacc is the day I stop buying grass from illegals who do my landscaping. Cooper Moore and Davis Pennington know damn well what I’m talking about. Those two may wear the letters and seem all professional but they know how to tag team freshman like nobody else. Get after it this year bobcats, the lacrosse heads never let us down. We expect the same from you.
Bs are winning the cup this year. Also, if you’re from Quebec reading this, you’re a pussy, go speak that loser French language somewhere else 😂😂 Nothing good comes from France.
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