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Chetty’s 2024 preseason rankings

20. Penn

Half of this team was on Epstein Island and these guys are Irrelevant now that Sam Handley is gone, not sure what they have going for them other than Quinn Whipple coming to campus in a year. Fuck the Quakers.

19. Boston u

Bringing back some solid fifth-year beauties with D'Alto and Meyer who can make plays but don't see this team doing much, they will inevitably get gaped by army in the patriot league

18. Richmond

Holy fuck this Squad is a wagon, these boys were slinging the rock at the end of last year and shit on their fucking conference, looking to see these boys get over the hump but I like the guys they have, Dalton Young and Lance Madonna are Dogs along with Jared Chenoy but they need to take Aiden O'Neil of the attack line

17. Delaware

16. Princeton

Don't give a fuck about this team besides Nate Kabiri, I heard he made a sex tape with Coulter Mackeseys Girlfriend and took his spot as the leader of the offense the next day. I expect him to lead this squad to some big wins considering he dragged his nuts on Notre Dame in the fall.

15. Rutgers

With Rutgers it all starts with Upper Decky's finest Shane Knobloch ripping fucking ched out of the midfield with natty light running through his veins, I expect this team to make some more noise and have some improvement from last year, they added CNY's finest Colin Kelly out of the portal. I expect big things from this team this year.

14. Yale

13. UNC

The heels need to figure it the fuck out this year, questionable coaching decisions with firing Metzbower instead of Breschi but I guess we'll see, excited to see Owen Duffy play a big role in this offense with Logan Mcgovern. I like the guys in their midfield, Big Dick Tyler Shwarz ` and Ty English are some dawgs and can make plays anywhere.

12. Denver

11. Syracuse

Possibly the most interesting team of this season, I think they have a roster to make some serious noise, I've heard Spallina has gone from pulling threes to Sixes and Jordan Vincent is ripping it up in praccy and in the Alpha Phi house I mean what more do you want. Jake Stevens and Sam English gonna be ripping ched down the alley as well, just gotta make sure Finn Thomson has a healthy stash of lip pillows during games and the orange should be fine.

10. Georgetown

Didn't think much of this team until I watched the Mitchell Pehlke video, these dudes seem pretty dialed, going to have to play as a team and share the rock or just give it to Kade Goldberg, guys an absolute weapon. Heard after not winning the 2023 Zynwaarton he ended things with his bird and ripped a pack of marby golds before hitting the gym. Expect a big year out of him.

9. Cornell

8. Army

Alberici's team full of nailguns is ready to fuck teams up this season, these boys are going to run the patriot league and might just fuck around and go undefeated with an absolute cakewalk of a schedule. Excited to see this team play.

7. Hopkins

Is Hop finally back to its former glory? I think they just might be, I'm big fan of the recruits they've been bringing in and they return the Russel Melendez, the Canadian Cannon Matt Colison, and Brooks "Sauna" English. Hope to see WRA legend Charlie Iler get some burn out of the midfield, kid can play.

6. Michigan

I'd say this team is heavily underrated, Boemher is a goddamn missile on the offense and Aiden Mulholland in the midfield is a hard-nosed, blue-collar, grease-stained jeans, bloody elbow pads, gritty midfielder. Both these guys and then Shreiber at Lsm have the potential to bring this team to glory.

5. Maryland

Goddamn, this team has like 8 guys that are a protein shake away from being cbum. This team has been in the lab adding meat onto their frames ready to get back to business this season. Big fan of ATL trap god Erksa on offense along with Eric Spanos, but the defense this team has is a brick wall, absolutely stacked Goalie room as well with Logan "fuck your bitch" Mcnaney returning from injury, as well as Cousin Ruppski and hopefully we even get to see a few rotations of Scotty Pfiefer in the cage.

4. Penn State

Everyone pretty much knows the deal here, Traynor, Malone, Posey, this team is full of studs, and bringing in Upper Decky's finest Joe Calandrino out of St Ants I mean cmon dude. This team is out here looking for revenge after that dogshit call against Duke and I expect them to maybe even fuck around and go undefeated.

3. UVA

Big Country Cormier and the Hoos are back and ready for business, although losing the slim Reaper and 2023 Zynwaarton winner Evan Zinn, this team is stacked, especially on offense bringing in Jack "Pornstar" Boyden out of Tufts. Him and Big County on a line is a fucking movie. I mean these dudes just need to figure it the fuck out on defense and hope Nunes plays well.

2. Notre Dame

The Irish return just about everyone from their Natty Campaign and bring in an absolute beauty in the Portal with Devon "Noise Complaint" Mclane, this guy was infamous for ripping ched and making 10s at brown and I'm sure he has been continuing that in South Bend. I expect him to be in bed with Tyler Buchner's Girl and taking all his reps with the starter in practice. Excited about this team's season and to see Eric "Horsecock" Dobson back out there on the field.

1. Duke

I mean Uncle B, Dyzyn, Mcadorey, Zawada, Naso, Jack Gray, Daddy's Money Balsamo, and Will "Elf Bar" Helm, I mean this team is absurd. However, these Duke teams do tend to underperform when ridiculously stacked so I wouldn't be surprised if these guys drop a few games and end up like second-round exits however time and time again it shows when Duke has their elf bars they're unstoppable. I am also a big fan of their freshman and the culture brewing in Durham, Brennan O'Neil is out here going down to Knoxville TN ripping it up and going after southern blondes while other players are just going home for breaks. Little things like that make a difference.

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