1. Princeton
Going into the 2025 campaign, we at this firm think the Tigers have a strong hold on the Ivy. They return a fuck load of offensive gunslingers, including Mackesy, Kabiri, Palumbo, Burns, and Wade, who have all been gooning since Fall ball ended and are ready to be shot out of a cannon. Despite their defense being ravaged in the transfer portal, Coach Madalon has been holding tryouts in the quad to check guy's cheetah poses and if they are willing to tongue the bag, simply out of love for the game. The biggest void to fill is between the pipes, as the departure of Gianforcaro might've fucked the boys. McMeekin will look to build off of his sophomore year and fuck hard.
2. Cornell
The Big Red are in a very similar spot to Princeton as they bring back a ton of showmen who think with their dick, so they could easily find themselves at the one spot come late April. The firepower heading into 2025 consists of Kirst (5th yr.), Long (6th yr.), Firth, Goldstein, and Cadigan. Standout D-mid Luke Gilmartin will look to build off of his great freshman year, and AJ Nikolic might fuck around a little more than your average joe.
They were fairly inconsistent between the pipes last year so it will be interesting to see who gets the nod to start the season. This team could very well find themselves playing on Memorial Day weekend so don't trip when your bitch is taking a "girl's weekend" in
Ithaca, NY.
3. Yale
There are many question marks surrounding the Bulldogs in 2025, but Mitchell Pehlke's recent video about the program could prove otherwise. They lost guys like Hackler and Monfort to the portal and Brandau to the PLL, but they still retain a solid core from last year. Kuhl, Keib, Krevsky, and Anderson are all back, and Leo Johnson and Chris Lyons are rumored to have returned from their year-long sabbatical in Eastern Borneo, where they nearly overdosed on ayahuasca and reintroduced the native people to the triangle top string. One bright spot the Bulldogs have to look forward to is the senior campaign of goalie Jared Paquette.
4. Harvard
Going into the sixth season of the Gerry Byrne era, all we can think about is when the Crimson will actually break through. After starting last season 6-O, they ultimately would finish the year 8-5, losing five of their last seven games. We here believe that is due to one reason: the lack of whores at the school. Get yourself a girl that can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch or one that is a chaturbate enthusiast. Point being, why do you think Graham Blake is heading to Duke? Because that is a school that values skanks, regardless if they will ruin your players lives causing disorder among the lacrosse republic.
5. Penn
Sexy and dangerous. Those are two words to describe this year's Penn squad. Going into this season, there are some question marks and doubters around this team.
They bring back guys like Tynan Walsh, Ben Smith, Griffin Scane, Leo Hoffman, and arguably the best goalie in the country, Emmet Carroll. After missing out on the tourney the last two seasons, Mike Murphy better hope and pray that his boys start discussing things that really matter: good parking spots, bad hookups, and lax. It is very unfortunate that Cam Rubin graduated last year, as he has gone up through the ranks with Luigi Mangione. If the Quakers pretend every team is an anti-boozehoud CEO, then they may find themselves playing on champship weekend.
6. Brown
It has been quite unfortunate to see the downfall of Brown since Lars Tiffany left, but with the arrival of John Torpey, the only way is up for the Bears. They finished last season at an atrocious mark of 3-11 and finished the 2023 season at 6-8. Providence, R.I. feels more like L.A. in the 80s at this point, so don't blame the fellas for not getting it done on the field. Coke is more plentiful than water on campus, and with Connor Theriault's departure, the girls are bored and left out to dry. This team will rely heavily on Aidan McLane, Marcus Wertheim, Spencer Hughes, and Tanner Burns if they want to see any sort of success this season.
7. Dartmouth
Absolute fucking dumpster fire. These guys have been nothing short of dog shit since the beginning of time, and they do not look to be slowing down anytime soon. They were 3-11 last year. I am not sure how any Ivy League team fails to produce a good LACROSSE product because this sport and these schools pump out elitist scum bags like no other. I hope and pray that there is some sort of social life for these guys because I couldn't even point out Hanover, N.H., on a map. It is mind-boggling to me because every recruit in their last three classes has been AT LEAST a 3-star. Then again, it was Ty Xanders running that Ponzi scheme.
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