top of page

2025 Big East Lacrosse Preview

Writer's picture: Marcus MeadowcroftMarcus Meadowcroft



1. Georgetown

This team is gonna be good. Lots of losses offensively, but add nailgun Fulton Bayman and return a loaded defense with Anderson Moore (we know you read this shit) back in front of Ty Banks, Seamus Foley, and Will Tominovich, whose stiff rod is often visible through his pants. James Ball returns at the x, our agents spotted Warne force feeding him geek bar rips between faceoffs vs UVA this fall. Key to success? Ben Firlie, if he swaps trauma bonding with soft 6s with Tim Desko level of drip and steeze.


2. Denverrr

The Pios had an interesting season last year after going into halftime tied vs Lemoyne to beating Cuse in the quarterfinals. Denver has a lot of solid pieces back, but mourn the loss of Alec Stathakis to graduation and Dan Anderson to D3 basketball.

Cody Malawsky headlines the returners, along with Jimmy Freehill, Mic Kelly, and Malcom Kleban in cage eating shots and also virtually anything else.

Matt Brown looks to continue an already illustrious career at the helm. If this team doesn't get a DUI by May 1 I suppose they'll be trapping at Gillette stadium on Memorial Day.


3. Villanova

They'll never be the same as they were with Stelios Kroudis's A1 chopper of a jawline getting fist deep in any woman that breathes, but the Cats have some sneaky weapons at their disposal in 2025. For example, Matt Licata, a tough matchup for any pole, but also girthy nailgun Denis Fargione who will do virtually any task for $20 and a spiked capri sun. They shine defensively, with David Evanchick and Jack Shoemaker, along with goalie Anthony Wilson and Yale transfer Brett Mallee. These guys would be autolock to win it all if Handsome Reid Colwell and Jack "in the box Cerza returned, but they will fare fine.


4. Providence

Bobby Benson has got something cooking in the 401.

Granted, the friars have had two <.500 seasons under him (6-9 and 7-8) but return the bulk of their offensive production and welcome nailgun freshmen Chris Matia, Stone Evans, Sam Brazell, and silkywilky himself. This whole team is choc full of guys who do 30 lb lateral raises, wear fitteds, and shave every morning. I expect them to beat at least 1 if not more of the teams ranked higher than them on this list. Luca Mela and Mike Spaziano are gonna do great things and will be receiving an invite back to War at the Shore in 2025.

We are curious to see what this team will do.


5. Marquette

These guys aren't winning much more than pong games but still could make some noise ... in Milwaukee bars. They return offensive talent in Bobby O'Grady, as well as Minnesota boys Carsen Brandt and Will Foster. No Mason Woodward, but Mike Piriano is looking to step up this spring after unknowingly chatting up an albeit sexy trans chick one fateful weekend in the fall. Despite all of this, expect a sub-0.300 season and a lot of Henny. Giddy up fellas and get ready to gag on Chris Kav's stiff one on February 15th.


6. St. Johns

These guys are pretty much destined for the 6 spot unless they can coax their coach into letting them rip coke and elf bars during timeouts. However they might fuck around and beat Marquette again once these conditions are met. Brian Kelly and his goons are back and could sneaky make some noise against the Red Storm's out of conference schedule but unfortunately Ty Banks is gonna smack his rod against your face Brian til its red and irritated. I'm pretty sure I saw someone in a St. John's team issued lax hoodie in a NYC tiktok edit, I didn't really bat an eye. We wish them the best of luck.





46 views0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

Comments


​

Our articles and opinions are satirical and for entertainment purposes

©2022 by Zynlacrosse.com. Proudly created with Wix.com

bottom of page