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My Top 22 High School Teams.


Greetings all, I just watched St Josephs (ME) vs Regis and am ready to gauge my eyes out. That being said, I did crank one out at halftime and got some post nut clarity telling me to write this piece.


  1. Brunswick: Believe it or not my dad used to coach JV here back in the day, said these team had maybe the most distinguished taste in porn that he's ever seen. The guys are probably out right now which is fine, I think Vandermont Academy tomorrow equates to bishop sycamore so they can play the 2s hung all game and still make the handshake statue guy proud.

  2. Haverford: 8-0 and are absolutely thrashing teams. However I hear they ask for steaks cooked medium well, that absolutely needs to change immediately.

  3. Lawrenceville: Could’ve gone either way vs Brunswick, these guys are probably gonna unload some dick balls and shaft on St Ants tomorrow to get vengeance and mourn the tragic death of OJ.

  4. Malvern prep: They slide high and late and show up to class high and late, which I like. Only complaint is I wish these guys would play radnor, that would be a fucking bloodbath and something I would fly out to watch and probably shoot up during.

  5. Loomis: Wow these guys are cool as shit, full of nailguns, Graham Wiggenhauser, Saki Nicholas, Brenten Sheffield, and commits to Quinnipiac and Trinity. That tells me two things. These guys fuck and these guys also fuck. Expect these guys to turn up in the month of may once the Loomis chicks are allowed to wear shorts.

  6. St Anthony's. I mean these guys are as expected with about 30 d1 commits but I hear they have been cutting down on their use of the juice after getting negative reports to their coaching staff from local milfs about their rope size and girth. 

  7. Boys latin: These guys are fucking nails, really like BL this year and every year since Winston Chodnicki. 

  8. McDonough: These guys might not win a game the rest of the year. They looked at the eclipse with the Dem goggles and got brainwashed, now they all talk about is a 2 state solution in Gaza and which chacos to wear to class. I'm even hearing that Brendan Millon is considering flipping to UVM, he says he has come to appreciate the idiosyncratic lifestyle, whatever that means.

  9. Providence Day: Not sure why IL and other polls don't have these guys higher, I'll continue to keep them top 10 until I see somebody beat Kyle Van Dam in a water bottle chug. They lost to Cannon on purpose to face some adversity, something they couldn't find otherwise.

  10. Culver: pretty good so far this year considering there is absolutely nothing to do except wallball in buttfuck Indiana, but im worried for the eagles since Chrisitan Hogan seems to have forgotten who his daddy is.

  11. Calvert hall: Cody Collier sold my pal Chinferous a head on sideline swap and it made his day, basically the only reason they're on here at 5-4. Sneaky could have flipped a couple close losses but these guys need to start experimenting with some Towson 2s before they can really take off in my opinion.

  12. Radnor: Heard Wall Street bankers shorted their stock preseason, that's all Rala needed for another year of dominance. 3 keeps touching that good Luchussy so these guys will probably win a state chip for like the 8th time in a row.

  13. Darien: I mean Brady Pokorny might be unstoppable right now, I can only imagine if he got in contact with Brennan Oneill's RAD140 dealer and maybe got in touch with the creator on a more regular basis.

  14. St Ignatius: These guys run the west but got some sense knocked into them when they came to the East coast for a few days. They will go untouched as they continue to touch bag the same if not more than any other team on this list.

  15. St Andrew's: I mean I can't imagine how these guys can play lax while living in Boca, that tells me that they can balance hookers with cocaine and wall ball, something a lot of current college and even pro players lack these days.

  16. Delbarton reportedly booking plane tickets to Umiami for the fall to touch some beav, that's what great teams do.

  17. Taft: I mean these guys are 3-3 but had Haverford on the Ropes, I think DJ Whips has one more Soundcloud mix in the chamber to propel these guys to a chip.

  18. Jamesville Dewitt: These sneaky fellas just touched up Baldwinsville, former 2x state champs and then immediately were in the weight room, doing pushups and forearm curls. I love seeing Big Ben Porter thrashing around with Caden Parker and Carson 'Daddy' Corona doing shit that would probably get a battery charge in most municipalities.

  19. Manasquan: Hot on these guys after they just beat Wall High school and are all touching bag as a team right now, no girls or booze, just snow. Any college coaches reading this, check out Kelly Mulligan 2025 midfield, can't attest to his lacrosse ability but can to his ability to be a great friend.

  20. Wheat Ridge (CO) not much needs to be said, nor can be said about these guys. Nick Ossello’s alma mater might be gearing up for one of their best seasons yet. 

  21. Greenwich HS: I mean home of Jack Ferda bucknell legend, they would probably have to steal my secret stash of locally sourced wildflower honey and Busch Lite Apple for me to not have them top 20.

  22. Jesuit Portland: team full of shaker bottles with a Hobart commit goalie, Geneva better get ready.  


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