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My 5 Worst Teams in Division 1, 2024 Edition!

I am back with another edition of my 5 worst teams in Division 1! 2024 is still a young season, but some teams have separated from the pack as the most dog shit in the country! Hampton, Wagner, Umass-Lowell, St. Bonaventure and Mount Saint Mary’s headline the star studded lineup of the most utter dick fuck bullshit in the country. With a combined record of 0-24, this motley crue is allergic to success. If you thought last years list and combined records couldn’t get worse, then the rich keep on getting richer because this group of 5 will go down as the worst in Upper Decky history. Quick shoutout NJIT, Holy Cross and Canisius for getting back on the right track and not making this list in back to back years (Canisius and Holy Cross still suck but it was always the Highlanders)! Without further ado, lets get into it!



Hampton- 0-6


These guys are dogshit. This team is a fucking juggerneaut. Throughout the last 3 years, the Priates have a combined record of 2-28. Those two wins come against, yes you guessed it, St. Andrews and the all heralded WABASH. For those of you that don’t know, Wabash is an all boys school in the middle of Indiana. They are known for their intense docking competitions between the cross country and lax team. For those of you that don’t know, docking is when two uncircumsized men enange in an act where one man pulls his foreskin back and holds it while guy two stretches his open and outward as far as possible over the head and… wow it seems we have gotten off topic haven’t we! Back to Hampton. It is abundantly clear that it is impossible to win when the only team you can beat is full of a bunch of Dildo Faggins from the Shire that Wabash is. I don’t see Hampton winning a game until Deuce Tatum is their FOGO in 2041. You are more likely to see Hitler at a bar mitzvah than Hampton to win a game this year. Fuck Hampton. 


Wagner- 0-5


This team is dog shit. Welcome back, Wagner. After a years hiatus, the seahawks are back on this list, and they have done everything except win. I have seen some of their players at various underground gooning retreats in the burroughs of NYC, Mitchell Pehlke frog competitions and even sporting Caitlin Clark jerseys. These scmoofs get no pussy so it would make sense why they fantisize over an american staple of beauty in Caitlin Clark. That broad can hoop but she looks like my buddy Luther’s taint after eating three week old Panda Express and a blue slurpee. Luther is also severly addicted to vaping. Very similar to the way Wagner is addicted to blowing horn. I really hope these guys can get one win so they can go find some fat chicks in flats to piss on during a lonesome Saturday night. Fuck Wagner. 


Umass- Lowell- 0-4


These guys are dog shit. Luckiliy for them, they are pretty close to the great city of Boston, so there are always some dirty cumposers that these guys can poach at the drop of a dime. Even if they may be long-dickin’ some chicks on the weekends, they will never be good at lax. Time and time again, this coaching staff bringing in a bunch of half retarded elves that don’t know the difference between their mid-low pocket and a pocket pussy, and the difference between their ECD Carbon Pro and a sausage dildo. It should be somewhat easy to recruit because of the location, the large population of the school, the blow, the academics, the blow, and the blow. Umass- Lowell sucks camel dick at the creator’s game but they have a pretty damn good ski team that any MIAA washout named Gaige will be sure to get his fingers wet in. Fuck Lowell. 


St. Bonaventure- 0-4


This team is dog shit. If you thought they were trending in the right direction after the end of the Dobson era, you were tremendously mistaken! I am a very hateful person, but I do feel somewhat bad for the fellas on the Bonnies. When they are recruited, they are promised a D1 life in the great wilderness of Upstate, New York. But after a year they come to realize that they will waste the next four years of their lives cock knocking, enaging in some top tier shithousery and not winning any lacrosse games. St. Bonaventure is known for their lack of women and abundance of theysbians. The only chance of you getting your johnson tickled pink is if you sit in the upper left corner of the goal mouth and sing a rain song. A mockingbird will then come down and ever so slightly nibble at you giblets, and send you into a constant state of gooning for the near future. That could be why the Bonnies can’t win. Do they suck or are they just gooning? Is their coach a second coming of Petro or just a glorified version of Nick Myers(Fuck Nick Myers)? As time goes on these questions will be answered, but the losing is sure to continue. Upstate has plent of ski trails. Hail Bonnies. 


Mount St. Marys 0-5


This is a team that some may be shocked to see on the list, but the truth is that they are fucking horrendous. Being from Maryland this team really shouldn’t be this bad, but here we are. If any of you guys were here during Upper decky’s newborn era last year then you would have seen that the Mount was one of my sleeper teams heading into last season. Oh how the mighty have fallen. They have been nothing short of a disappointment this year. They should be able to recruit any looked over Maryland talent but can’t seem to do anything right. I don’t even have anything that badly to say about them because it truly is not a brick shithouse program like the other four on this list. This team is constantly on the No Context instagram so I can only offer one piece of advice. Go find some asians with pointy nipples that squeal, “Me so horny!” everytime you lose. Safe to say it will pan out until their gargantuan battle with Wagner on March 23. There will definitely be some Upper Decky staff on sight for that game. Look for the slender man in the waistcoat and top hat sitting at the 50 yard line. You’ll get a baggie if you come say hi!

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