First and foremost, everybody knows Jeff Epstein is winning the IVY League title for the 71st time or some bullshit because it's a fraudulent fucking conference with a bunch of pre madonna queers like Matt Brandau. Second of all, I'm having a great day and conversation with my friend penjamin franklin and he's treating me to a great session right now and if you are pissed off about that go fuck yourself and your dog you pussy ass libtards. Every good natured hard working man deserves a few penjamin rips every fucking night. Why Every Ivy win this year is fraudulent Brown: To start things off with Brown, this team blows more fucking cock than the Zetas down at bama and thats all those whores do down there. shoutout to them, if i could go back in time i wouldve ripped mcla down there and fucked every zeta in the house for four years. they don't have any belugas over there either, wouldve been straight missiles only. Cornell: 17-13 W over Lehigh. Lehigh aint the same team since that fat fuck siss graduated. he dominated the stripe and fucked every opposing fogos mom, sister and girlfriend just to assert his dominance. Lehigh doesnt have a guy asserting dominance over the opponent like that anymore so the win doesn't count for Cornell. Rumor has it that checo has been too worried about filling the crevices of Professor Stephanie Powell Watts and not the crevices of moms sisters and daughters. when checo gets his shit together lehigh will be kind of back. 23-7 win over Hobart doesn't count. Hobart is a joke. enough said. mickey mouse w from a mickey mouse team. fuck cornell. 0 wins on the season. 15-11 win over Ohio State. Big Tasty wasn't trying and BVB wasn't fully healthy. If the two-headed bbcs of hudgins and bvb were working at maximum capacity long and kirst wouldve been questioning how they got bent over and fucked all the way to Niger. Dartmouth: 14-8 W over Holy Cross is horrifying. My little cousin Billy and his 9u squad would beat Holy Cross by 15 without breaking a sweat. Mickey Mouse bullshit win for Dartmouth, Hopper Zapp is nothing like his brother according to reports and sucks cam hitchcocks wrench at practice everyday because he's still not a true member of the team. 12-11 w over Siena. Siena is the name of the mongolian canadian hooker i fucked last week in saskatoon if I'm not mistaken which tells you all you need to know about this fraud W from Dartmouth. ANytime a team gets to play a school named after a C-tier stripper they should win by 20 not by 1. Fuck you dartmouth. 11-10 w over Vermont. What a fucking joke of a game this was today. Vermont was hungover after spending the entire evening and early morning at Sputies over in burlington. the trees were up 7 at one point and still almost choked the game like the peasants they are. If jeff didn't call in a favor from the grave on those last two pipe shots it was a catamount win. Harvard: 23-7 w over Providence. it's in the names here boys, providence friars, you know these fellas were roto'in 6-9 bongs in the locker room pregame before they had to see some bisexual men from harvard. Friars were too fried to play a game which was showcased on the scoreboard, game doesnt count. 14-13 w over Bryant. Everyone here knows Bryant is one of America's teams this year and if you want to justify the so called w that harvard got over the bulldogs then go fuck yourself and jump off the 8th story of a parking garage in downtown boston. Bryant didnt care about this one, the boys were too worried about the sorority formals they had to attend later that day. 13-12 w over bucknell. in a battle between whose daddy has more money harvard prevailed. another bullshit w, everyone knows that bucknell is the non epstein controlled ivy in the middle of pennsylvania. some absolute beauties over there at bucknell tho, they only munch box and red meat. they dont practice and dont workout, everyday is wake bake munch box red meat and sleep. they roll into gamedays thinking about roast beef sandwiches and curly fries from arbys for dinner before they go and munch more box. not a real game. can not cease to remind everyone here that this game was played at staples and every bucknell player was looking for an underager to get active with that night. 23-8 w over merrimack. 7 pm on a tuesday and youre out here forcing merrimack to play a lacrosse game NCAA? what the fuck is your issue. every guy on that roster wanted to roll over to the southside of boston to fight every italian mob member in the city. fake win once again. 15-12 w over vermont. I mean dartmouth supposedly beat these guys too which tells you all you need to know about this game and how fraudulently rigged it was. 13-11 w over Michigan. rumor has it that coach conry was making an excessive amount of gorilla noises at his 6'4 gorillas on the field causing a lot of confusion on both sides of the ball. when conry finally shut his stupid fucking mouth it was too late for the wolverines to go out there and claw back into the game. Heard rumors that bill gates donated 1 billion to conry pregame to take the loss, a clear fixed game on our hands once again. Penn: EVERY TIME THIS TEAM WINS EPSTEIN JELQS IN HIS GRAVE. HE HAS SINGLE HANDEDLY GROWN HIS COCK FOUR INCHES THIS SEASON AND HAS PAID A MINIMUM OF $4 BILLION AND FREE TRIPS TO HIS SECONDARY ISLAND OFF THE COAST OF BANGKOK TO EVERY COACH AND PLAYER OF THE FOUR TEAMS PENN HAS BEAT. EVERYONE KNOWS THE WIN AGAINST DUKE ONLY HAPPENED BECAUSE EPSTEIN PAID ALL THE ST ANTS BOYS IN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF STRIPPERS WHILE THEY WERE STILL ON LONG ISLAND AND THEY HAD TO LET HIM GET THIS ONE. 11-7 W OVER ALBANY 11-10 W OVER DELAWARE 14-12 W OVER DUKE AND 11-8 W OVER VILLANOVA DONT MEAN SHIT. EPSTEIN CANT PAY HIS WAY PAST THE GOOD NATURED ARMY CADETS WHO WILL SKULLFUCK PENN IF THEY PLAY. Princeton: 15-5 w over Monmouth. everyone knows the boys at monmouth are ripping shrooms, smoking dope packn zyns and fucking dimes. not a single player on that roster gave a fuck about this game. it was a joke from the first faceoff. cumdumpster was only able to score three on these guys. joke of a win 15-6 w over manhatten. Has manhatten won this year? honestly who gives a fuck, the only kid on this team that has a name is rivera's son and the only reason we know who he is, is because those dumbfuck student broadcasters at cuse glazed him like carc glazes spallina. not a real win. 15-9 w over UNC. wow congrats tigers, you beat the laughingstock of the acc. do you want a cookie? go fuck yourself. faggots. my niece jessica who died at birth and only lived 4 minutes on this planet wouldve had a better chance of winning then unc. another fixed game but this time it was tierney coming back and riggin it so denver and princeton could look better. another joke of a w. 14-8 w over Rutgers. everyone knows 23 andrew "diabetic fuck" macheca on the scarlett knights has diabetes and supposedly backup netminder colin "i was in high school for 6 years" vick poisoined 23s water bottle because he tucked too many goals on him at practice when they played together at culver. also heard there was maybe payback from vick because 23 fucked his sister (working to find out if this rumor is true. pretty sure it aint because shes beat as fuck and 23 only rails rockets.) not a real win for the tigers because the backup placed a hit on a ssdm. Yale: glad i got to save the biggest jokes in the country for last. brandau is currently getting fucked by the transgender math tutor hes meeting with right now because he hasnt learned math in the 43 years hes been at yale. 13-11 w over nova. pretty sure anthony wilson was on acid during this game and he miraculously only gave up 13 goals. anytime a goalie is tripping cock in cage hes gonna get shelled. shouldve never been a chance in the world for yale here but the acid prevailed once again. 21-11 w over colgate. wow yale, you beat a tube of toothpaste in a game of lacrosse. my autistic neighbor Rexrow Jimmerson IV can beat a tube of toothpaste in battle. Yo Rexrow, you wanna shoot fireworks at the neighbors cribs and take the blame again? Joke of win. 15-13 w over denver. the pios are a fucking joke. national fags like inside lax and fat fuck emile the rat arestia are sucking denvers millimeter cock this year for no reason. aaron hernandez and ray lewis could beat denver by at least 100 if ray wanted to grab aarons reboot card. another shit win for an ivy. summin' 'er up ya so basically based off my mathmatical calculations here that jeff epstein isnt paying me for, the ivy league as a league in general is 0-38 this year, but is lying trying to tell the nation that the league is 23-15. shit conference not a real league any team that makes it to the tournament form this conference in place of jeff epstein will get hung in a jail cell just like him. #FUCKTHEIVYLEAGUE #EPSTEINCREATEDCOVIDANDDID911 #DANARESTIAISAFATFUCK

5 straight victory royales for the nitts and there is still a lack of respect for the nitts in the national media. carc hasn't said a word about the two-headed skull fucking dragon conducted by the wrench's of TJ Malone and Matt Traynor. 59 points between the two and 108 women shared in the bedroom. Trips to Paris have been conducted all season by these two man rockets and they still don't skip a beat on the turf. Rumor has it that Matt Traynor has a 22 inch godzilla hog which is why he wears the number 22. His main goal is to let the aphi's know what they have the pleasure to work with while he tucks bingo after bingo past fraudulent ivy goalies. If 22 isn't a first team all american i'm reaching out to my buddy al-shafir al-safadi, he's Iran's number one war pilot and doesn't miss the mark when crashing planes. Ethan "12-inch dong" Long is the most balanced scorer in the NCAA. 8 and 8 on the first midfield unit as the 5th option is not to shabby. They can't give the kid the ball too much because it will expose that he has three legs. There is word going around that Jack Posey (i've got 43 latina hookers lined up for you whenever you need shoot me a message) and Kevin Parnham (chickenparnfiftyfive on IG, sick username) are coming back soon. The defense has already run through the Ivy league like it's my older sister bethany running through the football team. God bless her anal cavity and her rectum, they'll both need help down the line. Alex ross is rolling underneath every radar like fentanyl did with the CDC. If i don't get my legal prescription of fentanyl back in this next administration the boys may have to buckle in for another date with the capitol on january 6th. Jack Fracyon says no to rubbers. He made his name for turning aside rubber over at Bullis and turns aside the rubber better than any other goalie in the conference and damn near the nation. Im not talking about the rubber balls here, we're talking about rubbers in bed. No magnum fits his huge cock and rumor has it that the DGs and KDs are fighting over who gets him next. *Live gambling odds DG: +225 KD: +175 Can't talk Penn State ball without a mention of CBUM Calandrino. Kid benches 400 lbs during the week and looks like a fucking stallion on the sidelines every game. His daily caloric intake is protein shakes, zeta box, and rare steak. Sometimes he'll have a sweet potato too. Coach Tambroni is going to fuck with that pussy Tillman so hard when he throws CBUM in the game just to annihilate the cranium of Malever or Erksa. Fuck your glove issue Tillman, what happens when you don't have that ATL flare? faggot. Also fuck chase mullins, if you cost this team another natty because you can't win draws then pack your bag. The ugly freshman that wasn't number 1 in his class is dominating you this year pigeon.