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Week 5 top performers

Updated: Mar 16, 2023

Sorry for being a little late guys! Was busy eating box and skiing with my pals this weekend.

Connor "King Shelly" Shellenberger

After a few performances the last few games with production lacking a little, the ferda phenom bounced back with 10 points against Towson. I heard he spent the night before cuddled up watching hallmark movies sad because Payton "big country" Cormier would be out again. He seemed to channel this energy to the field and Creampied the Towson defense. Great work Shelly!

Emmet Paradine, Dartmouth

This game was last weekend but who gives a fuck. This nailgun had 7 genos in a comeback win over hobart. From what I've heard Paradine likes to get weird so I wouldn't be suprised if he crushed a whole 30er of busch and fucked a Turkey as soon as they got back to campus. We ranked Dartmouth as the hardest partiers in the Ivy for a reason. Great work emmet!

Louis Perfetto, Boston U

The Frenchmen was an apple machine against Bucknell with 1 goal and 7 apples in a tight game against Bucknell. Don't know much about this gentleman but he seems like a great player and an even better friend. Great work Louis!

Andrew McAdorey, Duke

Looks like this bad boy has arrived, 3 goals and 6 assists leading his team to a beat down win over loyola. If I were a betting man I'd guess he was cheefing the Dank Alpha Lion OG pregame. He looked nearly unstoppable out there and was even trucking d middies after running through the entire defense. Great work Andrew!

Michael Boehm, Michigan

Ann Arbor Michigan, the land of future investment bankers, tequila water limes, and nailguns like Mike Boehm. The Blonde Bomber had 5 goals and 4 apples in a curb stomping get back win over harvard. Michigan seems to be heating up and I think it might have something to do with the addition of Boehm keeping an elf bar in his sock and playing like a fucking psycho. Great work Mike!

Jack Fracyon, Penn State

Jacks a simple man, enjoys good beer, lacrosse, and piping Ivy League players girls. And that's exactly what he did Saturday. After his 16 save performance against Cornell he went to town in Ithaca and caught a whopping 13 bodies, all Cornell player girlfriends. When asked by his teammates why he did it, he stated it was a quest from attackmen Kevin Winkoff. Interesting. Great work Jack!

Also, Reid "handsome" Colwell had a fantastic performance. My colleague Marcus wrote about it and can be found in the related posts tab.

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