Devon Mclane, Brown
9 genos and an apple leading Brown to a win over Vermont, seems like he's rebounding well after the Quinnipiac game. Heard he woke up in bed with Vermont goalie Matt Schaefer's chick an hour before game time and did a few whippits in the locker room. Great work Devon!
Wilson Stephenson, Duke
This nailgun boxed Handley like a fucking fish this weekend, dude was all over the place laying the hammer on the field. I'm sure if Handley had a chick Wilson would've done anal with her that night. Dude had 6gbs 4 cto and even netted a backhand geno. I heard from sources on the plane ride home that he got into the liquor stash and downed a handle of jack as soon as they took off. Great work Wilson!
Payton "Big Country" Cormier, Virginia
The big fella from Oakville dragged his nuts across Ohio State and dropped a light 7 goals. This dude made it look easy for UVA leading them to blowout Ohio State in Naples. Not sure the guys on UVA are big partiers in season, but I'm sure the boys had to celebrate with a few Coors lights or some shit, maybe some locker room Newports. Great job Payton!
Dylan Pallonetti, Stony Brook
I mean I'm not gonna lie, like these dudes played Air Force but, come on now dude had 6 genos and 4 apples and dropped another 4 goals a day later against Sacred Heart. This dude was a menace at Ward Melville and it looks like he's back on his shit. Great work Dylan!
Shane Knobloch, Rutgers
Dont know too much about this guy but 3 genos and 4 apples to take down a red-hot Loyola team, is that good? Redeemed himself after a disappointing loss to a strong opponent in Army last weekend, but to no surprise, I heard he cheefed the fuck out of a mango peach elf bar pregame and it showed. Great work Shane!
Matt Campbell, Villanova
If you read my previous article about the cats, you know this guys a nailgun. 5 genos and an apple out of the midfield is ridiculous. And when you're exposing a team of frauds makes it even better. Great stuff Matt!
Logan McGovern, UNC
If you watched this game you saw this dude going off, I heard he ate a 100mg edible pregame and told teammate lance Tillman he was gonna "play Fortnite on the field or some shit". I mean dude went 4 and 4 and looked as polished as ever leading the Heels to a hard-fought win over a tough opponent in Syracuse. Great work Logan!