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Player spotlight Part Two: Dalton Young, Richmond.


It’s time to continue this series finally. Been busy with my son Gunnar, officially made him quit all sports cause he blows fuckin shit so it’s been a tough time. Kids getting fatter than shit now, took his Range Rover away and threw a lock on the pantry. I have several maids working at my Nantucket property and I swear they just cook for this corpulent fuck all day. DO YOUR JOB.


Anyways, my player spotlight is Dalton Young. Originally born Maximus Aurelius Octavian Young, he goes under the alias “Dalton” to avoid the remnants of the Carthaginian empire who seek to attain his power. Fuckin wack.

He was born in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia to a mother of 26 children and 323 goats. Dalton spent his early years in the ranks of the local militant group of monkey bar people who, legally, we cannot name. He attained the rank of general at the age of six after successfully exploding a passing medical convoy and then decided to take his talents elsewhere. His parents settled down in Northern Virginia where he first played lacrosse. From a young age, Dalton had a knack for excellence. He started his own plumbing company to support his dreams of playing collegiate lacrosse. Unlike most D1 legends he didn’t play at a private school, he went to his local public shitbox and broke probably every record they had. He also played basketball and even today is usually a top 5 pick in pickup games. He’s one of those 3&D guys who just hustles around the court and always makes the smart play. JJ Reddick or Steve Novak kind of guy.

Dalton is well known for being a lightweight at Richmond. To be fair, he doesn’t drink much because lax comes first. On most Friday nights, you’ll see him getting his back rubbed by his teammate Lance Madonna in preparation for Saturday games. They have some serious chemistry both on and off the field. Sundays, to unwind, he usually will take his pet Armadillo, Puffy, down to the local creek and they’ll play some fetch and what not.

On game days, Dalton is well known for utilizing AI to enhance his performance on the field. There is a new era of lacrosse coming fellas, follow his lead.

When I look at Dalton, I see my future son in law whether it’s by force or if I can convince him. I’ve been thinking of adopting a new daughter considering mine is so fucking ugly and dalton refuses to respond to her dms. Dalton wants to work at blackrock after his final season and let’s just say I have a lot of pull there. My old teammate Royce Cumbersnickle just made partner last year there and has a lot of pull. It feels like just yesterday him and I were slinging labatz and cat calling girls outside our local pizza joint with blow on standby. Dalton, I’ve always wanted a real son. Gunnar is a fat piece of shit and is an embarrassment to our family.

Richmond is on a heater so expect Dalton to reignite his raging nicotine addiction with some watermelon elf bars and some Copenhagen longcut.

When we’re talking about horns Dalton is near the top of the list. His was nicknamed RPG in high school for the techniques he used and the size of his weapon. Dalton does in fact, have a girlfriend at the moment. Not cool. If she lets me adopt her so that you can still be my son in law I’ll be happy.

When it comes to drugs, Dalton says no to most, but is an absolute whore for wintergreen zynachinos and black tar heroine. More cocaine for me and luke grayum I guess! Smelling salts and wall ball are what Dalton focuses on. In a recent interview I had with him, he said (there was never a conversation between us), “man I just wanna muck beave and inject on Friday nights!” Well said dmoney. Currently not on Carcs big board for the PLL which is a joke.

Gonna repossess his parents fucking house.


Big tilt this weekend, I’m sure he’s getting a Thai tuggy in his patented silk robe with spiders on it right about now. If you don’t go pro Dalton, I’ll text my buddy Stealth Jackson to get you a job at blackrock.


Cheers spiders,

Greg.

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