I had a pretty rough week at work, new secretary who gives shit head, my wife accuses me of cheating, and none of my tenants tipped me. But I realized that something was missing, and I should probably post this before its too late, because its mid season and all the boys are buzzing off their choice substances in hopes they'll make the NCAA tournament. Without further ado, lets jump right in.
Luke Fisher, Denison: PCP
Absolutely untouchable at times. Nothing gets to him. Guy can eat checks and ball the fuck out. He’s not the biggest but a stallion nonetheless. Runs through checks and cooks the big guys because he’s on PCP. He may have never killed a mountain lion but he’s choked over a hundred cougars and counting. Breaking the points record on Denison, he rawdogged all the tennis milfs at the country club nearby in celebration. I did PCP with him, and woke up with 2 blondes, and missing my left pinky. How he stays intact is miraculous and this stallion can bring Denison back to the conversation of top dogs in D3.
Bob Gross, Amherst: Bath Salts
Not the fastest attackman in the game, but he if he takes his bath salts he will skewer the fuck out of your approach and rip it stickside high coming up the hash. Big Bob is a force to be reckoned with and uses the fish hook often when he's with the birds, to the point he had the nickname Jeremy Wade back in his high school days. Bath salts are his go-to, not just because they hit, but also because just like him: super deceptive. Might not look that dangerous but underestimate them and you're bouncing off the walls feeling invincible. He is sneaky in the way he’ll put up big numbers but rarely beat his man clean.
Henry Tarr (Middlebury) and Drew Nicholson (Williams): Tren
Two of the biggest meat wagons in the ‘Cac hands down. Both are on a full blown cycle, Tarr just stopped cruising and is probably going to gain 20 more pounds next offseason. When slaying beave off the field they wear hoodies as a shirt and brag about their RDL max. Naturally, both of them are ass men, and they tear it up with the PAWGs in the spin classes after hitting back and bis. I spent my winter break with Nicholson in Columbia, and found out he is a huge fan of the shocker. Unfortunately last weekend, I beat Henry Tarr in a game of craps, and he destroyed my flip phone in retaliation because of his roid rage, so that means no more coke from Jesùs for the time being.
Will Byrne: Pure Cocaine
Classy, efficient, and the best all around option. Might be a tad white collar, but it doesn’t matter. Will Byrne gets the job done, makes the smart, and he makes it look easy. Just like pure cocaine, there is no getting better than this. Face dodge, BTB, Toe Drag, Hitch and Go, whatever it is, he can cook it up and finish with style. His off field game is just as impressive and flashy as his on-field game, he is a true player in every sense of the word. The bears are one of the best teams in the country and he is a huge reason why. As long as he keeps hitting the slopes, the Bears will be buzzing.
James Bailey: Crack
Erratic, dangerous and unpredictable. James Bailey is one hell of a player and can create in many different ways. He can beat guys with his speed, and can lay the boom and bulldoze guys, you never know what trick he has in the bag. Similar to crack, he’s chaotic, eccentric and flashy. He wheels a ton of birds, and spends his summer breaks on the Nude beach at Sandy hook NJ with more fake blondes than PhiSi at Auburn. Was at Wesleyan a few weeks back with my mistress and he put his arm around her, looked me in the eye, and said “Is there a problem bro?” Guys an absolute nail gun, and if Wesleyan makes a run he would be a key piece for the dirty birds.
Matt Brandau: Bud Light
He’s not D3, but fuck Yale and fuck Bud light. Yale hasn’t been cool since Matt Gaudet graduated.
Bo Page: Quaaludes
Smooth, electric and potent. In the inner city of Hartford, Bo “Jordan Belfort” Page has gotten a secret supply of this from a link across the border. When he was at a cinco de maio party, he decided to wheel to the right wolf-cut latina, and now he’s got enough ludes to give the boys all the juice they need for a tourney run. It’s a shame they got edged by Amherst but the boys will be back. They just made the Nescac tourney after a tight game to Amherst, but they only lost because Bo’s lemmons took so long to hit. Given that they beat Wesleyan last time, they might be able to win again and finesse an at-large.
Luke Nestor: Ketamine
This stallion needs a way to unwind, and what better way to relax a horse than ripping some K? 50 genos and 9 assists is an insane ratio, similar to certified nail gun Jack Ferda’s stats last year. When the Salisbury team runs their trains, Nestor is the conductor, being the first one in line, and jumping back in every other time. He rips his K before every mixer, and wheels a criminal amount of brunettes. Without it, he’s a complete animal, nothing can stop him. When he has it, he's a certified chiller.
That's all for this week boys, can't wait to see what the Nescac tourney brings.
Cheers,
Ford Blumpkinton VI