You wake up on a nice Tuesday morning. The birds are chirping. The sun is out. Your Johnson is as hard as titanium and as high as giraffe pussy. Kevin Lerg from Beloit College has just emailed you for the 19th fucking time that week. Are you dreaming? Fuck no. Is he the messiah? You bet your fucking left nut he is!
You run downstairs to tell mommy that you have been offered a full ride D3 lax scholarship from an email but come to the realization that the half retarded, fully deaf, schmoof named Carmichael that lives next door got the same fucking email that day. Along with every other college lacrosse hopeful in the country.
This is the reality of Beloit lacrosse. For a little context, Beloit is a poverty ass, bottom of the barrel D3 team that will reach out to a flaming pile of dog shit if it can hold a lacrosse stick. They are located in Beloit, Wisconsin and have amassed a record of 19-44 over the past 5 years. Safe to say this is a fucking juggernaut. At the head of this beast is the all heralded Kevin Lerg. Kevin Lerg’s playing career took place at Adrian College, which may sound like a dump but was actually extremely successful when he was there. During the Lerg era, Adrian went to 4 NCAA tournaments and had a 33-0 conference record. He was also a team captain his junior and senior year. Although this is quite impressive, it doesn’t take away from the fact that he is leading a complete dumpster fire up in Wisconsin. At this point I’d put my money on an All Star team from the Middle East to beat them. Ahmed from Team 91 Syria is a force at attack and Nabeel from Sweetlax Iraq is a tenacious D-middie that will strap up any Beloit offensive player looking to score on the 300lb goalie named Sameer from FCA Afghanistan.
Point being I do not wish it on my worst enemy to be a member of the Beloit Buccaneers lacrosse team. There isn’t a woman within a 50 mile radius of this school and Kevin Lerg only lets the fellas drink Voodoo Rangers. I heard you get analy penetrated with an elf bar if caught with a Jaeger and Coke in your mitt. Sources are telling me that they are the only D3 team to drug test, so no ripping the sweet sweet nectar that the devils lettuce has to offer. Strictly Juulius Caesar and Kareem Abjuul- Jabar for the guys.
At the end of the day, you will never see a talented lacrosse player at Beloit College. There are better chances of seeing Hitler at a Bar Mitzvah. It simply will never happen. All in all, if you are brave enough to throw on the blue and yellow threads, I wish you well as you may never see the light of day again.