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Western Reserve Academy: A Breakdown


Brick Row as they are often referred, these guys bring that name to life. Not the brightest upstairs but they bring grit to a different level. Bunch of kids who understand the game and love getting dirty in the corners. I’ve heard they play Chel for about 3 hours per day. Everyone except for our first spotlight Ty Banks. Guy is a fucking nail gun and a half. He spends weekday afternoons sprinting through the woods practicing split dodges in order to become one with the creator. In an interview with him we had recently, he responded to every question with “For the creator, this is his game.” Love to see it. He sent us a preview to a mix him and Jordan Ito (The Iranian Iceman) are working on called “Eagle Feather” that focuses on using tribal drums and wooden flutes. You’re gonna be a star Banksy. Ito is one of those guys who never seems to get tired. Clearly he’s been repping plenty of elf bar sets after praccy. Lungs must be made of steel with all those watermelon bubblegum hits.


Next up is Charlie Iler. I call this kid the Zesty Zohan. Why? Guy is the definition of silky smooth. Best threat on offense for the squad other than that 4’3 monster Ditty. Iler shoots piss missiles fueled with Fizzy Bubbly. Celly game could use some work but the kids gonna be a brain surgeon in a decade let’s give him a break. Keep it up Zohan Iler.


Next up is Jack Deady. How is this kid not going to Notre Dame? Guy is an absolute hammer in tight. Throws his body around like it means nothing to him. Heard the shaft of his twig is made of uranium he found one day while exploring the underworld. Deady island should be feared by all. He’s had 47 concussions and doesn’t plan on slowing down. Certified Nailgun.


In goal we have Joe Budington. Definitely a big weirdo with the birds but I’m guessing D1 lax in his helps out his roster. Kid is always zoned in, heard he got kicked out of an Ohio State party for ripping Linkin Park on aux for several hours straight. Kid will save anything unless you shoot five hole, kids got the five hole tisms.


Last we have Jack Mcchicken. Kids lives in McDonald’s but man do they have some powerful roids down in Ohio. Kid cramps up 8 times per game but the babes love him. Heard he wears an old MadLax jersey to class with chubbies and an old pair of raybans. Cold doesn’t affect the kid, all that matters is Sarah from his bio class.


In all, the team is poised to be great. A few less stupid penalties and I’d say they’re top 10 in the nation. Ohio sucks, all they have is lacrosse, they make the most out of it. Also shoutout Sheridan, guy seems like the type id want to date my daughter. Banks and auto, you’re invited to my summer house on the Cape whenever, for the creator.


Cheers,

Greg.

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