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Notre Dame’s Crazy Postgame Rituals!

It is safe to say that after the game yesterday, downtown Philly looked like the fucking Bay of Pigs: complete and utter madness. Bodies banging, booze flowing, bag was being touched, and the guys were exactly where they needed to be. There were many headlines to pick, but the ones stuck out were as follows:

The Kavanaughs ran a freight train on the maid at the Holiday Inn. Apparently around 2:37 am Pat and Chris were seen doing a mean “Eiffel Tower” on the long-time maid and part-time pleasure seeker, Misty. These two sex dragons turned their suite room into a dystopian sex dungeon begging any “Downtown Philly Dirty” to come and have sexual intercourse with the pride and joy of South Bend. 

Ross Burgmaster shoved the bagpipes so far up his ass drool came out of his mouth. The beloved Notre Dame bagpiper completed this obscene yet beautiful act in front of the entire alumni circle just outside of Lincoln Financial Field Stadium. He then went on to cosplay Dragon Ball Z and told every girl about the “Hadouken” in his pants. He was later arrested for creating an Only Fans that consisted of him playing wall ball, praying, cheefing nic, and finger blasting the goal mouth where Enty stood. 

Coach Corrigan was caught sleepwalking downtown, fully naked, chanting “Cheers to Love! Cheers to Honor! If you can’t cum in her, cum on her!” While also blasting the “Rattlin’ Bog” for all of Pennsylvania to hear. Some say Corrigan’s old hat is filled with sweat, I heard it is CJ Costabile’s semen after he scored the game winner on Scotty Rod…well we all know how that story goes. 

Jake Taylor successfully packed a whole pack of citrus Zyns and then found himself caught up in the whirlwind known as the Philly strip club landscape. He went on to make an adult film with their “blue chip” dancer named Saphire. The title is as follows… “Stud lax guy dominates busty PAWG on the corner of 7th street in Philly, moments before he paints face with jizz.” Instead of dirty talk, Jaker just whispers “Me so horny, me a back to back champ, me love you long time” in all of the girl’s ears. #sick

Paul Carc, Quint, Anish, and Cotter were caught doing black tar heroin and bath salts with the Malvern Prep Hockey team at 2 am in the suburbs of Malvern, PA.

Uncle Entenmann finally got laid…she may have been 14.

Eric Dobson got his johnson molded into a trophy-shaped dildo called, “Big, Black, and Back 2 Back” (his dick is black, duh). It is being sold in all Tufts bookstores. Venmo Eric-Dobson15 to get yours signed by the man himself. 

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